This question sparked a passionate debate on our Facebook page. I definitely understand this subject is touchy on all sides. Where do the Debt Free Divas weigh in? As with most things, we have our own view points.
In the age of the boomerang generation, a weaker economy, and more students racking up huge amounts of student loan debt, adult children are home with parents for a myriad of reasons. According to the New York Times, one in five people in their 20s and early 30s is currently living with his or her parents. Some reasons include:
- Transitioning into a new stage of life.
- Cutting expenses to pay down bills.
- No incentive to leave the nest.
Cutting living expenses by exercising the option to “live communally” is a marvelous idea. An option that is not so common in our society, but should be considered more often. I’ve done it myself and surprisingly, everyone adjusted. Now it does work best when all parties are respectful and productive. Four “families” lived with my grandmother for two years and we are all still speaking to this day. Granted – Grandma had enough rooms to accommodate everyone and she’s used to large groups, being the mother of 8.
The process breaks down when adult children are allowed to be unproductive. If they’re physically able, paying rent or assuming responsibility of a household expense contributes to a child’s financial maturity. Household expenses do not include their wardrobe or personal automobiles. Adult children should be required to contribute to the maintenance of the environment in which they live. After all, no one can live anywhere for free.
Here are some ideas about how parents can help adult children become more fiscally responsible:
* Work on paying off your debt - getting into a better place financially
* Offer to pay for a financially literacy course or workshop
* Give books on money management
* Share a lessons learned or new idea discovered related ot finacial literacy, how it’s helped you
* Offer help in creating a budget and developing a plan to resolve financial issues with a plan to become independent. Develop goals.
* Hold them accountable.
* Stop financing their luxuries.
I like the idea of charging adult children rent. It requires children to budget their income. They learn to limit what they spend on luxuries. Most importantly, maintaining household expenses will be second nature when they eventually leave home. Maybe they won’t need to return. You can even save their contribution, as one of our Facebook friends suggested, and bless them with a lump sum at a future date if you’re financially able.
As parents, we have a responsibility to mold our offspring into mature members of this society. Allowing children to live responsibility-free is a recipe for future, financial hardships.
Toni Husbands, Financial Coach
I'm a financial coach with the Debt Free Divas on a mission to help 1 million families dump consumer debt. My family dumped over $100K in debt and you can too. Instagram: debtfreedivas
Follow Me:
Mandy Carroll says
Simple….like 1+1…..
If our children can pay for some wildly expensive phone…games and apps…go out with the friends..buy the latest clothing trends….or even grab a cup of Starbucks, they need to pay rent…
The problem or our view is this….we give a special bubble to our children…we forgive them of all crimes…things you would have drug them out to the public square and had them flogged for….
We do not look at our children as real people who need to do anything, but sit around and here as coo at them how beautiful they are…which they are, but truthfully…no more so than the beggar on the corner…
We have roommates or ask our partner to move in with us…just because we love them..and then if rent is late or groceries are not bought.or they struggle and are trying to find their purpose their vision(you know the one we said we would support) yeah that one…..well we give them a new asshole..and we reward them with such hate..and tell them what a failure they are…because we want them to pay our bills….
If you are going to have roommates….of any sort…do this..be honest…taking on anyone, even our children must be done with us in balance….being able to cover our own expenses…(not ours and our children, cause that is what parents do..duh).
And if you invite one to be with you…than be honest again…be able to cover your own bills…do not use them to cover your acting like your 18 year old….because all the love in the world goes bye bye..and quick…
Or be like a friend of mine….who has a daughter….who from age 6 destroyed most of her parents life…because she was told..do whatever…the same thing we tell our children, because we want them to like us….oops…
At 15 she brought a dog into the house, which destroyed her room and then the rest of the house…preceding that she destroyed her parents marriage because her parents were not allowed to have private time in their own room…and do not tell me none of you have done this…
Then at 18 she meets a boy..decides he would be good as a setup…and by 19 and so many explanations about birth control(her parents should have never got for her)she ends up pregnant…
Drains the father of all money and is able to run away two very nice women he is dating….because she wants all that Daddy has….
At 20 gives birth…and now leeches off both parents…because well they are supposed to take care of her….
Now 21 Dad has a new girlfriend who does not well play a simpleton as the others….and the daughter has well..feed her own child and not talk to her boyfriend like she just pooped him…
And this family is in huge pain and suffering..perfect for the holiday season….
All because we refuse to hold our children accountable….
And if they move back in…they are not considered the drooling little squishy warm loves they were before..they get consideration, but not above or different than a renter of another sort….
This scenario is all too familiar and many of my friends have the now children leeches…at 22 and 30…and on and on…consider their parents forever responsible for them…and I see them breaking their backs..working 15 hr days to pay for…yes their grown children…
I have 4 sons..all adults now…and I taught them well….
They tried this..each and every one….they thought I was to fund them…work work..and then why was I not there to fund their play..their phones…etc…it was like being on a griddle of nuclear fusion….
And at one point each of my sons said the same thing to me….
I do not like you Mamma….and I said good….now I got you thinking….now go do something in this world..instead of sucking all life from it…
And guess what…they are amazing….
Toni Husbands, Financial Coach says
Your friend’s story is heartbreaking. It really underscores how important it is for parents to train up children so they can become responsible adult citizens. I’ve experience some similar situations and it is really unfair to the child. We have to think long term and not just be concerned with what may seem like a comfy relationship while sacrificing our children’s transition to maturity. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad it worked out for your boys!
Patty Gale says
Very interesting topic. My adult children are now 30 and 28… one of whom is married. They’ve both been on their own financially since graduating college and both graduated without any student loan debt. I understand people fall on hard times, but if it ever came down to where either of my adult children HAD to move back home, yes, they would absolutely be expected to pay rent, contribute to the grocery bill, utilities, etc. If the tables were turned, and I had to move in with my parents, I would never expect to get a free ride. I would think that would be more of an incentive for adult children to get their financial house in order.
Toni Husbands, Financial Coach says
I agree Patty. We need to provide incentive for them to stand and prosper! Some will on their own, for sure. I really like the idea - if possible - of saving any contributions aside for them as a gift once they move on.
Aja McClanahan says
I side with you on this one, Toni. Even though I lived with both my grandma and mom rent free (they graciously extended the option, I didn’t demand it), I was still responsible for chores and helping out. Whether that was a ride to the store or a good bathroom cleaning. I was able to use this free $$ to pay off debt and eventually become debt free. I think it depends on the child and their goals, too. If they are simply schmoozing to live in the lap of luxury, then yes you MUST pay! If you are in medical school and paying off debt, we might be able to have another arrangement, but I gotta see your bank statement each month! As an aside- Thank God for Grandmas who take everyone in! There were a bunch of people living with me and my granny as well, LOL.
Toni @ Debt Free Divas says
Yes indeed. Thank God for grandmothers. That communal living arrangement lasted almost two years and is a big reason I graduated with my masters degree and no additional student loan debt (from a super expensive private school). Yes, if my children are doing something productive and are making steady and consistent progress toward a well defined goal, I’m behind them. I’m not up for enabling bad behavior. I need them to be self sufficient so they can take care of my grand kids (but no rush into that phase right now).
Thanks for sharing your thought Aja!
Mandy @ Barbie Bieber and Beyond says
Absolutely, any child that has a full time job and is earning money should pay some sort of rent. They live in the house, eat the food, use the appliances and use the utilities, they should help contribute to the cost.
Carol Graham says
Life doesn’t give us a free ride — why should parents give their children one? But I believe it doesn’t start when they are ready to leave home — it starts long before that. I watch my grandchildren and am thrilled that my daughter and son-in-law teach their little ones responsibility in the areas of chores and finances. From two years old, the children have chores and they love helping because it has become a habit. They have piggy banks where they can save the money they have received from doing jobs above and beyond. The biggest thrill is listening to them on how they are going to spend their money, which includes buying gifts, etc for others. The pattern starts very young.