Aging–Thou Shall, If Thy is Lucky!
Editor’s note: This is humor. If in doubt, read Commandment Ten then wear what the hell you want.
There are certain do’s and don’ts to aging, but some people are clueless when it comes to acting appropriately for their age. I’m not suggesting that you should throw in the towel after fifty and let yourself age like a hag.
I’m just giving you some pointers on what you can and cannot get away with once you’re considered over the hill. If you want to dye your hair chartreuse and tattoo your cat’s name on your shoulder, that’s up to you. Otherwise, here’s some simple advice to follow whenever you forget that your name is already on the AARP mailing list.
1.) Thou shalt wear clothing styles that flatter thy age.
This means you should steer clear of the clothing you wore when you were twenty-something and thirty pounds lighter. Ladies, just because you rocked that mini skirt back in 1970 doesn’t mean you have the legs to pull it off at age fifty. If the backs of your thighs look like the surface of a golf ball, ditch the short skirt and find a sexy one that sits just above the knees.
Men, hopefully you’re not trying to squeeze into the red Speedos your wore at the beach during spring break forty years ago. You are not competing on the Olympic swim team and no one wants to see your shrunken roly poly trapped in wet nylon.
2.) Thou shalt carry dental floss with thee at all times.
As you get older, your gums recede and leave perfect little pockets around the teeth for food storage. Unless you plan on eating those trapped morsels later in the day, or if you enjoy digging spinach out of your teeth in a restaurant, keep a roll of floss handy for food trap emergencies. Your mouth should not be a storage bin for leftovers.
3.) Thou shalt not drink more than one libation a day.
Your memory cells are already down to single digits from aging. Why kill off the precious few you have left with shots of tequila?
4.) Thou shalt moisturize thy skin on a regular basis.
Things begin happening to the collagen in your skin as you age. Bad things. Unless you want your face to droop like the man in Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream”, start applying creams as heavy as wall spackle to your skin to avoid a massive collagen meltdown.
5.) Thou shalt eat an entire bag of carrots a day.
By the time you hit your fifties, your eye site will be no better than a mole’s. Carrots have vitamin A in them, which is good for your eyes. Seriously, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
6.) Thou shalt not pass gas in public places.
Old people and farts are synonymous. Don’t be like old people. Practice your sphincter Kegels daily to avoid mishaps on a crowded elevator or in the line at the grocery store when there’s a sale on Metamucil.
7.) Thou shalt take no less than 20 supplements a day to stay healthy.
By the time your youngest child is in college, you should own a large pill box with compartments that are clearly marked with the days of the week. You should also be on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
8.) Thou shalt not gain 10 pounds a year after the age of 50.
Hide the butter, hide the cream. Eat too much, you’ll bust a seam.
9.) Thou shalt maintain a healthy, intimate relationship with thy partner.
Keep in mind that you’re not a frisky twenty-one year old any more. If you think being adventurous in the bedroom means trying out the Kama Sutra “Splitting Bamboo” position, think again. You just might pull a hamstring and end up in a leg brace.
10.) Thou shalt maintain thy sense of humor.
That old saying that “laughter is the best medicine” is true. Everyone needs to find their happy place in order to smile. If that means finding it in the bottom of a jar of Nutella or watching your spouse wrangle out of a chair that the grandkids have duct taped him to while babysitting, then so be it.
See? Getting older isn’t so bad. You can get away with things like forgetting to shave your legs or eating dessert before dinner. And if you’re really lucky, no one will notice that glob of spinach between your teeth.