Which are You, a Victim or a Victor?

Whether you live your life as a victim or a victor is as much a choice as it is circumstance, as Carol Graham says. Read more from Carol on her blog, Battered Hope.

The definition of Victor is:  One who defeats an adversary; the winner in a fight, battle, contest, or struggle.

The definition of Victim is:  One who is deceived or cheated, by his or her own emotions or ignorance, or by the dishonesty of others. 

Many of us were cheated and abused and hurt and taken advantage of by others.  It is essential that we determine not to allow our emotions to overrule our intelligence.  A wise man once told me “When you buy the thought, you buy the lie!”  We must learn to say NO to negative thoughts, to defeatist ideas, to martyr attitudes.  The more you do it, the better you get at it.

You Can’t Be A Victor ……. Without a Battle

How can you possibly be a Victor over anything without WINNING — hence; the battle.  The question is whether you CHOOSE to win or lose.

“V is for Victory!”  That is what the doctor said when my daughter was delivered.  “You got what you wanted!”  All I ever wanted was a baby and I was not sure what the doctor meant.  Did he think I might give birth to something other than a baby?  My five-year-old adopted son looked at her and said, “Mommy, I don’t think she’s cooked yet.  She is all purple and shriveled and stuff!”  I had to agree.

At least three times a week, the doctor would visit me in my room and be the bearer of shattering news.

“Carol, we have a new complication.  Remember that this is a high-risk pregnancy and there is a strong possibility your baby will not make it.  I want you to visit the nursery of premature babies once a week.  This will help prepare you for what is coming.  If your baby does survive he/she will not be normal and probably weigh a pound or two.  You can be sure of that!”

What the doctor did not know was I had already lived forty years of trauma.  This was just one more battle to win, one more opportunity to be a victor and I really wanted to prove them wrong.

Guess who won?  Rochelle was born SIX WEEKS EARLY, over SIX pounds and her Apgar score was a perfect TEN.

When I stepped out of my comfort zone to write my memoir, Battered Hope, it took tremendous courage.  But I was familiar with courage – it had become second nature to me.  I learned how to cope, how to thrive, how to overcome.  Having a bad experience does not make the next one easier – you are stronger, yes — easier, no.

I had always regarded myself a winner.  It is important we maintain that attitude. When I threw a pity party, no one showed up.  I discovered that even if you ‘thought’ you were a winner, if people knew what you were going through, they would label you a loser.  Let’s face it — people don’t want to be around a loser.  After my memoir was published, even people close to me were amazed at what I had survived.  They had always regarded me as the rock that they depended on; the shoulder to cry on when they had problems.  Little did they realize that when I cried with them, I was also crying for myself.

At a young age, I determined I could make people laugh; it helped me to forget my own problems.  I maintained that attitude throughout my life.  I have been married to the same man for 43 years. When asked what has kept our marriage together, my answer is “I keep him laughing.”  These 43 years included six years when he was bedridden, having suffered brain damage as a result of a car accident.  No, it isn’t always easy to laugh but I cried my tears in private.  Seeing ourselves as winners and focusing on finding a solution, is a lot healthier than concentrating on everything that is going wrong.  Sharing laughs with people around you is healing for everyone.

Are you a victim or a victor?  The answer lies in how you look at it.  Finding humor in every situation may not be easy but it certainly helps you to survive.  It will help you to maintain the attitude that you are a WINNER and not a loser.  It keeps things in perspective.