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Valentine’s Day Doesn’t Get Much Better Than This

Kate Mayer doesn’t expect too much on Valentine’s Day – but that’s ok with her. Read more from Kate on her blog.


Valentine’s Day has special meaning in our house.

Special as in, kids expect much, those romantically inclined expect nothing.

The thing with this whole parenting deal is, once you start a tradition, there’s no backing out. Regardless of work, sports, homework, money, exhaustion.

So come Valentine’s Day, kids expect lobster, or something special that swims in the sea. And china, fancy glasses filled with Shirley Temples, and little gifts on their chairs. Chocolates hiding in velvet heart coffins. Arguments over whose is bigger.

Aww, sibling love.

-Homarus americanus- by Sven Kullander -

It’s the only time the Lenox china my Italian friend insisted I register for some 20+ years ago comes out. (She got 23 place settings, I got 2-1/2. It’s an Italian thing, I guess.)

We clear off my office (dining room table), set it all special, with candles and everything.  The kids drink out of wine glasses, which gets a little sketchy in the teen years; fingers-crossed no photos show up on Facebook where overly enthusiastic APs (assistant principals) anxiously await “questionable” FB photos to haul teen butts in for interrogation. Relax dudes: ginger ale and maraschino cherries.

Me? Nothing.

Nothing on my chair. No candy heart. No Valentine. No roses. Thankfully, no ugly-ass open heart jewels.

The kids are flabbergast Daddy didn’t get me anything, and I reassure them, despite the utterly ridiculous Kay Jewelers commercials, that Daddy gives me gifts. In private.

Which leads to synchronized gagging.

They’re horrified, which leads to much simulating puking, then silence. Because if they puke up that expensive lobster, I will make them eat it.

Here’s the truth:

My rather attractive husband’s PDA? It’s all tucked away, for safe keeping. He buys a card. Sometimes. And puts it in his Hope Chest, buried safely in the garage cave.

There’s scores of Valentine’s Cards there, Mother’s Day too, most still in their Hallmark bags. Under sawblades, vice grips, Gorilla Glue, and unidentified man-stuff.

The cards are unsigned. No hugs and kisses or true love always. Nothing. They’re oil-stained and wrinkled and never delivered. But they’re there. I’ve seen them when searching for a screw . . . driver.

Not fair?


‘Cuz just take a look here… introducing, for the first time on the internet, my underwear drawer.

Screen Shot 2015-02-05 at 7.42.02 AM

Inside hides my own stash of ungiven Valentines, and perhaps a birthday card or two, bought, saved, and forgotten. It’s my tool chest. Guilty.

The kids get the fancy dinner, with trinkets and chocolate and dead crustaceans dipped in butter.

Rather attractive hubby and I buy (sometimes), and don’t deliver (often), cards that can’t express, no matter how nice the photo or words someone else writes, the love that surrounds our table on Valentine’s Day and every day. Mostly.


Kate Mayer

Kate Mayer is a writer, humorist, and activist writing life down in Newtown, Connecticut at 2000 dollar loan today. She is a reluctant inductee to AARP, the co-creator of two quasi-adults and two wannabees, and an aspiring writer with the rejections to prove it. Sometimes funny on Instagram & Twitter @klmcopy, and plays well with others on Facebook.

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