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This Is Sex at Sixty

This Is Sex at Sixty was originally titled Sex At 60, A Personal Reflection and appeared on Kinkly.com

As 60 approaches I look in the mirror and I see a head of long, graying hair and a body delicately scarred by life. The boobs are no longer perky and I bear the stretch marks of two pregnancies. But what you may not see reflected in my body is my sexual energy and confidence. If you’re just looking for firm and thin you’ll miss the divine sexiness I radiate. Maybe you see it in my eyes. And, certainly if you come closer, buy me a drink, and engage in a little flirtation, you’ll find an unexpected surprise.

turning-60

It’s just a myth that older women are all dried up and “over” sex. 

I’m happy to report that my sex life is still on the upswing. There are no signs of decreased libido or an inability, or unwillingness, to try new things – although I am done with acrobatic sex. I just don’t buy into the myth that I’m too old for sex. I’m not in my declining years. I radiate more confidence and energy than ever. The only real downside is that it’s taken me so long to get here.

Am I bragging? Well, yes. But it’s also the truth about many older women. Women who don’t get much attention in the media. Women who understand the concept of giving and receiving. Women who know how to stroke egos and give great blowjobs. We can show you how to take your sexual practices to greater heights and we’re not worried about revealing our deeply sexual selves. Many of us thoroughly enjoy sex. After all, we’ve had years of practice.

I’ve been divorced for about 10 years. I’m a different woman now. I’ve had sex with more than a few men, failed to always use safe practices while preaching about the necessity of such, and occasionally agreed to sex even when I knew it would be less than satisfactory. And I regretted not trusting my instincts. I wish I had been more enlightened about my sexuality when I was younger. And, I wish I’d been more open to talking about pleasure and finding a way to communicate my needs sexually. (That’s good advice for everyone. Learn more in Why We Should All Be Talking About Sex A Lot More Often.)

There will always be a learning curve when it comes to sex. And maybe there should be – we need to cultivate our curiosity about sex as a lifelong study. The same goes for our excitement, our willingness to try something new, to step close to the edge. If we never try nipple clamps, we may never learn that a little pain creates the most divine sensations. Or we may discover that bondage freaks us out. But we only know these things by opening ourselves to new experiences.

I’ve learned how to build and sustain arousal, for myself and with my occasional lover, who is 65. I love planning for sex. Spontaneous is good, but the ramping up of anticipation is delicious. And you know what? I am more orgasmic in my 50s than at any other stage of life. 

I got where I am by hard work – and I didn’t do all of it on my back either. As my interest in sex as an educator and writer grew, I began reading, writing and thinking about sex. If I felt aroused, I would take time for self-pleasuring … it’s all about increasing one’s expertise, right? Desire led to increased desire, which expanded and permeated all of my life. I pay more attention to the sensual things in life. I want to have sex. I enjoy sharing my latest readings and experimenting with what I’ve learned. I might try out a new sex toy and then tell my lover all about it, showing him what I like about it and how it works on my body. I have a whole new appreciation of sex – and we both benefit.

But … I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that my process involved letting go of old stories, of developing the confidence to move forward in my path, and choosing to not be hampered by public opinion.

People tell me I look great, better than I have in years. I refrain from making the cliched “I just got fucked” comment. It’s more than that. I’ve tapped into a level of pleasure that infuses my creative work and my outlook on life. I will be 60 in August. In a few years I’ll be eligible for Medicare. I’m a grandmother of three. And, I possess a lovely stash of well-used, high-end sex toys

My advice? Put your sexual needs first, whatever your age. Become your own best lover. Invest in good sex toys, stock up on quality lube and schedule frequent sessions for self-pleasuring. Practice saying yes and practice saying no. Become comfortable talking about sex with a partner. Learn to ask for what you need.

And if you’re over 50, don’t give it up on sex just yet. Sex is vitally important for a woman’s health and emotional well-being. Practice solo sex. Buy condoms and have some fun. Don’t place so much emphasis on intercourse. It’s great but it’s not the only path to a satisfying sexual experience. Our bodies are designed for pleasure, every inch – from earlobes to toes and everything in between. Don’t let the opinions of others dictate your pleasure.

And, don’t be afraid to step out just a little – and then a lot.

Walker Thornton

We are delighted to have Walker Thornton as our Women’s Sexual Health columnist. After working for over 10 years in the field of sexual violence against women, Walker is now enjoying a new career as a freelance writer, public speaker, and sex educator with an emphasis on midlife women. Her blog, <a>WalkerThornton.com </a> was ranked #5 by Kinkly.com in their top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2014. You can connect with her on <a>Facebook </a> and <a href="http://twitter.com/WalkerThornton">Twitter</a> For questions about sexual health, write her at [email protected]

Becki Benson

Tuesday 22nd of July 2014

Loved your article, so would like to see more in email form. Very interesting indeed on a couple of issues we face after age 60 and informative!

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