A Peek At Your 50s and 60s

Marcia Kester Doyle writes regularly at Menopausal Mother. This post was originally featured there.

Find yourself around the age of 40 and think you’ve got it bad? Want to join me and take a peek into your 50s and 60s?

Several of my friends recently celebrated their fortieth birthdays, and each of them bemoaned the fact that they would now be considered “Over The Hill.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing because they have NO CLUE what life (and gravity!) has in store for them 10-20 years AFTER turning 40.

For anyone who has just hit the “big 4-0”, here’s a little glimpse into what your fifties and sixties will be like:

You worry about the amount of candles on your birthday cake and keep a fire extinguisher close by, just in case.
The vitamin store down the street has become your one-stop-shop, and you find yourself wishing they had a 24 hour drive-thru when you’re constipated and in need of some heavy-duty fiber pills at 1:00 a.m.
You pop Tums like candy after every meal and keep an extra bottle on your nightstand.
If you’re a woman, your boobs are in a race to reach your waistband.
You recognize all the songs on the easy listening radio station and remember the lyrics to every single one. But you can’t remember where you left your car keys five minutes ago or why your glasses keep disappearing.
Despite hating it as a kid, prune juice tastes pretty good now.
It takes a moment to straighten up your spine once you push yourself off the couch.
You pay special attention to infomercials advertising the “Girth Girdle”, “Pound Around Pantyhose” and the “Belly Buster.”
You’re squinting at road signs and switching all of your 40 watt light bulbs for 60’s, especially the ones above the bathroom mirror.
You drag the heating pad out of the linen closet more than once a week.
Your pills and supplements no longer fit in an ordinary pill-box, so you’re forced to use a large shoe box instead.
You consider yourself lucky if you remember where you left your car in the Target parking lot.
You own more than one pair of Spanx.
Your refrigerator is stocked with probiotic yogurt to regulate your digestive system and to prevent embarrassing episodes of public flatulence.
You hate to miss an episode of Dr. Oz and plan your schedule around his daily show.
Your days of sunbathing are long gone, but the blotchy leopard spots on your face, arms and legs are a constant reminder of all the times you forgot to wear sunscreen.
Your butt is beginning to droop like two wet sandbags.
You long for your kindergarten days when napping after lunch was encouraged.
You spend a small fortune on teeth whitening strips to counteract your increased consumption of coffee and red wine.
You’re either sweating or freezing all the time. The weather is no longer your friend, and neither is the thermostat.

No need to worry, my forty-something friends. Pour yourself another prune juice cocktail and embrace your inner leopard!

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane, and the voice behind the midlife blog, Menopausal Mother. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, The Huffington Post, Bonbon Break, Purple Clover, and Scary Mommy, among others. Marcia lives in sunny south Florida with her husband, four children, one feisty granddaughter and three chunky pugs.

A Peek At Your 50s and 60s

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle

Read previous post:

In Defense of The Selfie