Pennie Nichols never planned on becoming a mother, but now that she is, she has some great insights on the subject! Read more from Pennie on her blog.
For the first quarter century of my life, I boasted that I’d never marry, that I wouldn’t have children.
I would write, travel the world. I would be a nomadic wordsmith.
Yet here I am, mother of three adult children. Despite an empty nest and a portable work-from-home career, here I sit, on the patio of my home of 23 years.
Where did I go wrong? I didn’t. While I didn’t plan to be nor get here this way, I made the choices that set me on this journey, sometimes to float and let the current take me.
Was my life adventure diminished? Absolutely not. My mama journey has included travel, lush paths, white water rivers, mountains, beaches, boat rides, horse back rides, soccer and volleyball games, swim meets, concerts, road trips, and every roller coaster in every theme park we ever visited.
This journey —which isn’t over— includes good days and bad days, brilliant moments and miserable mistakes, heart split wide open (mostly with love but sometimes with ache), and just about every cheesy greeting-card cliche about being a mom.
How do I celebrate Mother’s Day?
Casually at best.
My firstborn arrived on a Mother’s Day. So sure, Mother’s Day has a special place in my heart. But let’s face it Mother’s Day has become like a commercial holiday, with ads that guilt children into sending the card, flowers, a gift, making the phone call, going to visit . . .
- What if she remembers too late to send a card?
- What if he’s working on that day or studying for a final exam or writing a final report?
- What if they don’t have the money to buy a gift or the time or creativity to make one?
This “special” day also brings heartache to some celebrants.
- For children who have lost their mom, the day can be bittersweet and sometimes sad.
- For moms who have lost a child, the day brings a new wave of grieving.
- For the childless woman . . .
Let’s talk about her for a minute.
According to the Pew Research Center, nearly 20% of women between 40 and 44 are childless, and over half of those not by choice.
- For the childless who long for a child, surely Mother´s Day brings a bitter reminder.
What of the childless by choice? Remember? That was my plan.
While Pew RC puts the statistic at around 7-8% of women between 40 and 44, a whopping 45% of my friends (mostly in their 50s and 60s now) are childless by choice. I calculated the same result for both the close-friend and closest-friend pools. Although the stigma of being childless by choice has diminished, it’s there.
- For the childless-by-choice woman, Mother´s Day can stir her defensiveness against those empty-life prejudices.
In my little world, those prejudices hold no truth. The lives of my childless friends are full, exciting, and often selfless. Many have mom skills, and some have filled in as second moms. Yet this holiday excludes them.
Two more points that should not be excluded.
- Some children have crap moms. They could buy her a house and a car for Mother’s Day and still fall short.
- Some moms have crap children. This day is a poignant reminder of their narcissism.
Am I poo-pooing Mother´s Day?
Yes and no.
When my Mother’s-Day firstborn was still a baby, we went to a one-year old’s birthday party. My friend joked that the celebration wasn’t about her son, but about her, the day she labored to bring this new person into the world. The first birthday was a Mother’s Day. I liked this idea! I announced the same sentiments for all three of my children’s first birthdays. It’s not your birthday, it’s your mother’s day!
Similarly and conversely, the most important part of Mother’s Day for me is my children. Not the card. Not the flowers. Not a gift. Certainly not guilting them into cooking, cleaning, or taking me out to eat (although I confess I tried that once or twice ). Mother´s Day is about this unexpected path, a journey I never imagined for myself. Motherhood. My children.
I also celebrate my mom and her impeccable model of strength and love in action. Most years we have a combined celebration in May: my mom’s birthday (first week of May), my daughter’s birthday, and Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is never the thing, but one of the things we celebrate in early May.
- Yes. I am poo-pooing the commercialization of Mother’s Day.
- Yes. I am poo-pooing the negative feelings Mother’s Day generates for those who feel excluded.
- Yes. I am poo-pooing the typecasting of women and the complex roles they play in the lives of children.
- No. I’m not poo-pooing having a special day for mom. Maybe it’s the second Sunday of May. But it could be any day of the year. Or many days of the year.
Celebrating motherhood fans out. I reach back with love and gratitude for my mom. I reach forward and love this unplanned journey, my children. I reach more to unfold my gratitude for the friends I have made through my children, and my gratitude unfolds even more tenderly for the friends of my children who are a special part of my life.
Is all of this to say that I would I hate chocolates in a goblet or a snuggles and a visit from my children? Absolutely not. But if not on the second Sunday of May, any day would do. You’re part of my journey, and that’s what I celebrate.
Copyright: 2015 Pennie Nichols. All Rights Reserved