10 Things You Need to Do to Watch the Oscars Like a Pro

Sunday, February 22 if you’re looking for me I’ll be planted on my sofa watching everything and anything Oscars. I look forward to this every year, and nothing – I mean nothing – gets in the way of my enjoyment. This year we’ll have some friends over for the show (my husband watches, but he’s on kitchen duty-I’m not moving my butt off that sofa), and they’ll be following my Oscar-watching rules, if they know what’s good for them.

1. See as many of the nominated films as you can. You still have time. Get going!

2. Program your DVR. You don’t want to miss a red carpet moment, do you? There are pre-shows on ABC, and E! News, among others. Don’t forget about the post-show wrap-ups, too.

3. Keep on top of the pre-parties. If you really want to feel like you’re part of the excitement, you need to know who’s going where with whom and what they’re wearing. Scour the Internet for pictures. If you’re going to do the Oscars, do them the right way – like the movie fanatic and celebrity obsessed fan you are – at least this week.

4. Play the odds. It’s not too hard to figure out who’s going to win (I’m predicting Julianne Moore, Patricia Arquette, J.K. Simmons, Michael Keaton, Boyhood, Alexander Inarritu), but try some other questions for your Oscar party pool like:

•     How soon will Neil Patrick Harris get a laugh after the show starts?
•     Who will have the ugliest cry?
•     Will Jack Nicholson be there?
•     How many commercials will be for summer 2015 movies?
•     How many winners will go over time on their speeches and be drowned out by the music?

5. Get comfortable. This year because there will be other people around I’ll put on a bra, but normally, no. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to be at your most unencumbered and relaxed.

6. Try not to serve anything that you need to look at to eat. This is an event meant for mindless consumption of finger foods. If you’re serious about watching, you don’t want to miss a minute – and unlike that other great American viewing event, the Superbowl, there is no halftime – although somewhere around the second hour the awards become less sexy (sound editing, documentary short), so you can plan on eating then.

7. Don’t chatter during the big acceptance speeches. You may not be interested in what Patricia Arquette has to say (especially if you’ve been watching her win everywhere else), but others around you might want to hear her. Be quiet, be thoughtful, or be gone with you.

8. Give your opinion on how every celebrity looks. This is, by far, the most entertaining part of watching the Oscars. Go ahead, be as snarky and critical or fawning and adoring as you like. It’s all in good fun, for the most part.

9. Follow along on social media, where the funniest comments will be found – especially on Twitter. Use the hashtag that will be on the screen during the show, and you’ll be laughing out loud – I promise.

10. Spend all day Monday watching and reading the follow-ups, recaps, critiques and editorials. It’s important to immerse yourself fully in the experience so that, by the end of the day, you are so completely sick of anything Oscar-related that you can get back to your real life. Remember, it’s all make-believe.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Joan Rivers, who made the phrase “Who are you wearing?” almost as important as “And the Oscar goes to…”  I miss you, Joan.