Skip to Content

How Often Do You Have Sex – and Do You Feel Good About it?

A couple of weeks ago I was at an event with a dear friend of mine who, at twenty-eight, could be my daughter. And I would not have been a teen mother. Somehow, as is common por moi, the conversation drifted to the topic of married sex.

It might have been the Acai berry sangria I was drinking, or the full moon, but before I realized it, I’d confessed the amount of times my husband and I have sex a month.

Give or take one or two.

married sex, how often do married couples have sex, sex between husband and wife

I’m not entirely sure how I was expecting her to react. Perhaps I thought she’d nod her head in fellow married-lady-understanding because I figured, although she and her husband are much younger than me and mine, that we’d be somewhere in the same ballpark.

Instead her mouth fell open and she said, “Oh no! That’s not nearly enough sex for someone like you!” (Apparently I have a libidinous reputation?)

So then naturally I couldn’t help but ask, “Well, how often do you and your husband have sex?” Thinking it was probably in some over-achieving realm of three or four times a week.

“Every day,” she said without batting an eyelash.

Every? Day?

Holy shit. How was this possible?

Yes my friend and her husband are both gorgeous and sexually desirable to even the ordinary houseplant. But every day? With two kids under the age of eight? With two full-time jobs? With Los Angeles traffic?

To say I felt inadequate would be an understatement. I had to drive my lazy 49-year old ass home and wake my 54-year old husband up in order to ravish him like I was competing in the Indy 500 and had just been tuned up by the pit crew.

Suddenly sex had become a numbers game to me. And my numbers were sorely lacking.

Do I dare write down in black and white our numbers? Because what if everyone is having more sex than us? Does that mean something is wrong with our marriage? Even if we are both satisfied?

Alright. I think I just have to suck it up. I would say my husband and I make love once a week, with a one-extra-time wild card that could drop at any point in the month.

We cuddle every night. In fact, I can’t go to sleep without my arms around him. But once a week plus the wild card seems to be enough for both of us (or, at least, my husband hasn’t complained too much).

Does anyone besides me compare their married or committed sex life to other couple’s sex lives? Do you ever think maybe your sex life isn’t measuring up?

Would any of you, who are satisfied with your marital sex life, be willing to divulge your number so we can see the average of the sexual spectrum? The gauntlet has been thrown.


Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Shannon Bradley-Colleary blogs at The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful. She's also a contributing blogger on The Huffington Post. Her posts have landed her on The Today Show, NPR, CNN, Raising America with Kyra Phillips, Fox11News and more. She's been published in The DailyMail Online, Babble, Blogher and MomsLA. Her book, Into The Child: 40 Weeks in the Gestational Wilderness was named one of the Top 100 Indie Books of 2012 by the Kirkus Review. Her book, Smash, Crash and Burn: Tales From The Edge Of Celebrity, details her life as an L.A. Wacktress (waiter/actress) in the early 90s; including her relationship with Brandon Bruce Lee and a her tête-à-tête with David Schwimmer. She kisses and tells. Shannon is thrilled to be a monthly columnist on Midlife Boulevard.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedInPinterestGoogle PlusYouTube


Thursday 4th of December 2014

Not something I ever thought about much until recently. I am your age, Shannon, and this topic has come up among friends lately. I've wondered if this has something to do with perimenopause/menopause, but either way it is on my friends' minds. Based on conversations with friends, once a week seems to be the norm. My husband and I typically find those moments twice a week, but my libido appears to be ramping up, I'm wondering if I have some sort of preemptive perimenopausal reaction to all the commercials talking about loss of libido due to menopause. And, to top it off, I read that one way to prevent that uncomfortable dryness associated with this is to have more sex because it keeps things, well...lubricated. So, perhaps my almost insatiable desire lately is my subconscious working to prevent these events from coming to pass. Bottom line, twice a week if good, but I feel more would be a little better for me right now. :)

Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Thursday 4th of December 2014

Hey Debbie -- One of my girlfriends, who just turned 54, says that sex has actually now become painful for her, which kind of scared the crap out of me. She's looking into in as she's certain it's due to menopause. Anyone having these issues yet and, if so, how have you comabated them?

Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Thursday 4th of December 2014

Mandy thanks for being so forthcoming (okay, why in all of these comments I'm leaving do I feel like I'm inadvertently using sexual words). I am absolutely jealous that you are having this sexual revolution but also want to say, good for you! It's nice to know that the 50s (which are just around the corner for me) don't mean a complete lack of sex drive. Thanks you torch bearer!

Mandy Carroll

Thursday 4th of December 2014

I am no longer married after 20 years of marriage and near 16 years of divorce. Sex while I was married did not seem like a whole lot of fun. I knew I wanted it but having a partner who helped in no areas of home, work or children, well to be honest made me find him mighty unattractive. And that I believe is the key to sex....making love. I did not like me and I did not like the other person. Upon taking a class, in walks a man, my now boyfriend. We have been together about a year. I cannot say it has not been difficult at times and we parted ways twice. My children are grown men. He has a grown(sort of daughter) and a son who just turned 18. Both liked having dad on the leash. With me he was forced in a manner of speaking to see what he had allowed his life to become and why he was unhappy. Like I said it has not always been a parade float....I will have root beer in my float please. Sex at first was awkward because honestly there were other lovers in the room besides the both of us...the ghosts were present. This has been a battle for him much more than it was for me. It has become a discovery venture..what do I really like...and getting past all the taboos placed within us...and wondering why that curls my toes.... Most recently, just last night we talked about our sex life. And I will admit it is 2 times a day at least 5 days a week. But we have sex 7 days a week. It allows that creative force in me(that I held in check forever) to come out...and I have made some beautiful things. And at 52 I finally know what I want to be and am throwing off the shackles of resentment, forgiveness and love. Our talk involved him not believing that I desired him as I did. I must be fantasizing about another...hmmmm. He has we all do. So he went on the internet to you know where to see how I could like sex so much with him. After I found out, I told him that is all lies...not fantasy..nothing....if you want to know what it feels like and what I want and how I feel about you...your resource is looking at you. I told him it was time to stop the game..and believe...and even in his struggle to believe as his 53 year old self that he was beautiful to me...he needed to listen and be affirmed...and trust... He thought in a was all about the young body...and yes bodies in the 20's are least mine was being a marathon runner....(go ahead toot your horn)...but this body and soul at 52 is so much more majestic. I am present...make sense? I am connected and feeling...unfolding a little more each day.... And that while affirming and being affirmed has mighty value...and as a bonus..I can see down the dark hallways of what I struggled to find..and a light is shown...because I am able to love with a mighty force.


Thursday 4th of December 2014

I try to avoid at all costs making sex a numbers game. I just don't need the pressure in one more area of my life! But… I do compare. And as I'm reading this I feel myself getting kinda pissed at your friend. For no logical reason, probably more out of jealousy and inadequacy. I'm a huge believer in quality of quantity. We're absolutely once a week with a wildcard thrown in sometimes. There are stretches where wildcards appear more frequently. But once a week is a sure thing. And as long as it's mutually beneficial once or twice a week I'm cool with that. Every day? I can't even wrap my brain around that...

Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Thursday 4th of December 2014

Gretchen I know. I've been testy with my libidinous friend (testy?) I sometimes am, frankly, more revved up than other times. My body has its seasons and post-menopause I seem to be in a stretch of winter.

Laura Ehlers

Thursday 4th of December 2014

LoL! You are not alone. We average once a week, with an extra boink thrown in if the house is empty on the weekend. But we don't feel any less close than when our numbers were in the 'daily' range. I think we would prefer more actual sex as evidenced by the suitcase full of lingerie I took on vacation!

Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Thursday 4th of December 2014

Laura that word "lingerie" kind of made my butt itch. Sigh. It's always so scratchy and creeps up in odd places. I may need an intervention.

Comments are closed.
Read previous post:
Low Testosterone, Low Libido and Fuzzy Brain

Menopause can be such a challenge. There’s the whole “fuzzy brain” scenario—you know, that “where is my car/my purse/my mind”...