What a Psychologist Has to Say to the Princeton Mom About Date Rape

Somehow the Princeton Mom was not on my radar.

Until I recently saw an outraged Facebook post about her. Googled her. Real name is Susan Patton.

She touts the return of 1950’s thinking about women. College being about catching a man to marry.

If you want a real belly laugh and more info about her, watch these spoofs. Especially the 2nd one. Jon Stewart and Kristen Schaal.

I wasn’t all that affected by what she said. At least it didn’t make me angry. She could have her opinion. After all, I remember the book by Marabel Morgan about how women should wrap themselves in Saran Wrap before their husbands come home from work. That was popular for a while.

Never caught on at my house.

Until I heard her say something about date rape in an interview. In that situation – if a girl had too much to drink, and then said she had not given her consent to have sex.  She had put herself in a vulnerable position. If a boy took advantage of her?…. She’s to blame.

I have certainly heard this before. We probably all have.

Here is the first problem.

I have never worked with a victim of ANY rape that doesn’t express guilt. I don’t care whether it’s the most random event – a no substances-involved, complete stranger, knife-to-her-neck, broke in her apartment with two dead-bolt locks rape – she will find a way to blame herself.

It’s a way to achieve the return of a sense of control. If a rape victim can find something that she might have done to prevent the rape from happening, then she will.  Her mind looks for those things feverishly. In reality, there is nothing.

It’s a strange sort of reasoning. Emotions have to be sorted out. With careful counseling.

A rape victim has to rebuild a sense of trust. A belief that she has some control of what’s going to happen to her in the next moment. Having lived through moments when she did not.

Ms. Patton. You telling any victim it’s all her fault is icing on a painful cake. She already feels like it’s her fault.

That’s one issue. Here’s another.

It’s not rocket science for any of us to say that drinking too much makes you vulnerable. It’s a stupid choice.

There is a difference between taking responsibility. And blame.

You can take responsibility for something that you had control over creating. She is certainly responsible for having too much to drink.

Was he drunk as well?

Then we’ve got 2 stupid people. That’s not an excuse for him either. She is smaller. Not able to defend herself if things get intense. I have talked to so many girls who have been in this situation. They were scared. Or they just didn’t know what to do. They look at me. They themselves are unclear about whether or not to call it rape.

Some say they didn’t say “no” but the guy should have “known”. Or frankly, that they don’t even remember much of what happened. Maybe she didn’t plan to have sex at the beginning of the night. Maybe she wondered or had considered it.

It’s painful for them that it happened. Something to work through.

Others said “no”.  They are absolutely sure they were raped.

I have a 20 year old college son. I know there has been lots of controversy on his campus about this issue. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t want to get labeled as a rapist for misreading someone’s perhaps confusing signals in the heat of the moment. Obviously, if a girl, I wouldn’t want the experience of someone forcing themselves on me.

What is obvious is that it is very complicated. Some cases are black and white. Some gray.

My 2nd message to Ms. Patton?

Quit saying hurtful things to girls about being date-raped. Unless you were there, you don’t know what happened.

Until you have sat with one of these girls. Heard how she sleeps with all the lights on. Avoids her friends. Can’t walk on campus at night. Has nightmares. Doesn’t go out on dates anymore. Until you have seen and dealt with some of the aftermath…

I really don’t think you should talk.