Looking Back on Midlife

Would I rather be on Midlife Boulevard
Or The Appian Way
Madison Avenue
or the Champs Elysee??

I’m inclined to choose Midlife Boulevard for many reasons, but specifically because I can drive in reverse and revisit my midlife. I am sure what I would see along the way is a broken heart, a change of heart, some heartless cads, and some heartfelt hopes and dreams. At times, it seemed as if I had checked into the Heartbreak Hotel. NOTHING at midlife was as I had expected it to be.

I was no longer living in my home state of New York , but in some faraway place called California. California?? There was no theatre district in this place, no subways, not many skyscrapers. No one to walk past and say “hi” to and no one to pass me on the street and say “hi” to me. My husband and my two children were here and feeling just as misplaced/displaced as I did.

I longed for the 59th Street bridge… the bridge that went directly into the heart of NYC. That skyline was mine, that city belonged to me. There could not possibly be such a feeling in California – could there?

And then one day, not long after we moved here, I drove across Malibu Canyon, not knowing how it twisted and turned and wound around. Where was I? Suddenly, glistening bright rays began to appear. The sky became bluer, the air so fresh and clear. Malibu Canyon had taken me to my first glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, with it’s colors of light blue, dark blue, brilliant aqua and frothy white foamy waves. I was so stunned that I was actually looking for The Beach Boys to appear in front of me, crooning “California Girls.”

BUT… this is what became surprisingly interesting. The anonymity that I feared turned out to be a serendipitous gift. No one knew me in California, so there were no expectations of who or what I should be. All alone in this faraway place, I had to figure it out for myself. And so began the midlife reinvention.

Different roads take us to different places. If we are willing, we can find various aspects of ourselves on each road we take. I am too old now for Midlife Boulevard. I no longer drive on canyons…..no way! No twists and turns for me. I no longer can drive over the 59th Street bridge – too high, too scary, too fast.

What shall I name the street I am on now? I know one thing – there will be a sign on the street that says SLOW…and I will see more than I ever have before.