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Mick Jagger and Adam Levine are Keeping Me Awake

Lying awake at night, strange and unexpected thoughts come to mind, as Stacey Gustafson explains. Read more from Stacey on her blog, Are You Kidding Me? where you can find information about her book, too.

 

“Why’d you send me email at midnight with a link to 1,000 Ways to Clean Lint Out of the Dryer?” said my best friend, Jackie.

“Can we talk? It was a long night,” I said, going on and on about my insomnia, sparing no details.

You asked for it, babe.

Can’t Sleep

“I couldn’t sleep. Nothing went right over the weekend. Lost car keys. Broken garage door. Fight with husband. Argument over homework with the kids,” I complained. “I just wanted to snuggle in bed and forget about the day, catch some serious shut-eye. But nooooooo.”

“I know how you feel,” she said with a sigh. “Some days it’s impossible to clear your mind and go back to bed.”

Lumpy Mattress and Other Irritants

My night went something like this. Mattress too lumpy. I felt hot, like I was going to suffocate. And what the hell was wrong with the alarm clock? Tick, tick, tock. Like a metronome, over and over. Tick, tick, tock. And that infuriating nightlight. As bright as a lighthouse beacon. How come I didn’t notice that before? Who can fall asleep with all this commotion?

My mind wouldn’t turn off. Did I leave the oven on? What time is my dentist appointment? Did the kids remember to do their homework? I stared at my hubby as he snored next to me. That man has actually slept through an earthquake and a fire alarm. What kind of person can sack out like that?

Damn You Adam Levine!

Worst yet, that Adam Levine song stuck in my head, replaying over and over …“You want the moves like Jagger, / I’ve got the moves like Jagger, / I’ve got the mooooooves…like Jagger,

Do I have a tumor?

What’s that bump on my face? Do I have a tumor? Where did I put my eyeglasses? What if there’s an earthquake and I need to get out?

/ I don’t need to control you, / Look into my eyes and I’ll own you…”

That song replays itself over and over my head.

Argguh! Make it stop!

For an hour I stared at the ceiling, praying for slumber. I tried counting sheep. Then, counting backwards. I gave up and climbed off the mattress to surf the Internet in the other room.

You win Jagger!

I pressed the button on the back of the Mac and booted up. Hummm. Hummm. Hummmm. Like music to my ears, I was able to finally get Adam Levine out of my brain.

Fingers perched on top the keys, I held my breath in anticipation. Wait a minute. What’s this? I stared in a trance at a clip of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I wonder if Khloe Kardashian will keep in touch with Bruce Jenner after mom and step dad divorce? And what the hell was going on with Bruce’s hair and fingernails? Really? Nail polish? Come on Bruce. Click, click.

Or what about that potty mouth kid that gets his leg cast sawed off? I can’t stop listening to him throw curse words. I keep replaying the video.

OMG, is that Richard Simmons in a gold leotard Sweatin’ to the Oldies? He’s still alive? Click, click.

After two hours, and 1,897 clicks later, my head droops over the keyboard. For a brief moment, I snap awake and crawl back under the covers.

I’ve got the moves like Jagger, / I’ve got the moves like Jagger…”

Maybe I’ll try to sleep tomorrow when it’s quieter.

What keeps you up at night? Share here.

 

 

Stacey Gustafson

Stacey Gustafson is an author, humor columnist, and blogger who has experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her blog, Are You Kidding Me? is based on her suburban family and everyday life. Her short stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul and seven books in the Not Your Mother’s Book series. Her work appears in Midlife Boulevard, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, ZestNow, More.com, Pleasanton Patch, Lost in Suburbia, Better After 50 and on her daughter’s bulletin board. She lives in California with her husband and two teenagers that provide an endless supply of inspiration. She writes about parenting and daily frustrations like her dislike of the laundry, self-checkout lanes, public restrooms, Brussels sprouts, roundabouts, and being middle-aged. Her book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives, hit #1 Amazon Best Seller in Humor - Parenting & Families and #1 Amazon Best Seller in Motherhood. Released September 2014, it is available on Amazon and eBooks. Visit Stacey at StaceyGustafson.com or follow her on Twitter @RUKiddingStacey.

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