5 Ways to Move Past the Affair When He Won’t

After the post on healing from affairs 2 weeks ago, a reader wrote in.  She asked me to not use any of her exact words, preferring complete anonymity.

Thus I am speaking for her.

Question:  “All of these ideas sound logical.  But what if he had the affair and wouldn’t DO anything about it?  My husband just said to me the affair was over.  We needed to get on with our lives.  He was sorry.  Therapists just want to make a lot of money off people like us.  He wouldn’t go to therapy.  We didn’t need it.  Plus I felt I was in no shape financially to leave him.  I had been a stay-at-home mom and hadn’t had a career.  If I got angry, he might have left me and I didn’t want that.  He might go back to her! I felt completely stuck!  I just acted like I was okay and we went on.”

The last thing a lot of men want to do is talk about their feelings.  If they have had an affair?  You might as well ask them to give up their favorite sport and take up crochet.

The best advice I had for her, or for you or someone you know?  Realize that “acting like you are okay” will have an impact on you.  As well as feeling angry and a myriad of other feelings, with no place to put those feelings.

If he (or she) won’t “do the work”, then here are some suggestions.

1)  Affairs make you feel replaced.  That feels lousy.  You need to work on your own sense of worth.  Of competence.  That can happen in many ways: spiritual, physical, emotional, practical, relational.

2)  Consider altering that financial dependence.  Perhaps go back to school or consider getting some kind of certification.  Look into a part-time or even a full-time position.  Even if you stay together, you will know that it is not out of fear of not being able to care for yourself.

3)  Find ways to express those feelings. You can do it through activity, through art.  Through journaling or writing. Therapy can be helpful as well.   A conversation with/confrontation of the “other person” is something that can occur, (although ideally this is done by the couple together).  One word of caution.  Sometimes if you are feeling well-understood in therapy, and not at all at home, the therapy itself can seem to highlight more of the problems in your relationship.  Just be aware of that and how it might be affecting your decision-making. They are two very different relationships.

4)  Patience can be a virtue.  Sometimes it is the initial guilt that keeps someone from agreeing to “do the work”.  Fear that talking will only make things worse.  Once the dust has settled and he or she finds out you are not going anywhere, perhaps there will be more willingness to talk through some things.  We all make mistakes.  Some of us are horrible at admitting them.  Perhaps your patience will save your marriage.

5)  Realize that you have to repair the damage done to your intuition.  Your gut instinct.  If your partner won’t participate in a discussion about the whys and wherefores of their decision to have an affair, you are left with lots of questions.  Perhaps there were things you “picked up on” that now make more sense.  That was your instinct trying to get your attention.  He or she may still deny that those “things” had anything to do with the affair.

You may have to agree to disagree.  But it is important for you to reconnect with that instinct.  To not blame yourself.  Anyone can keep a secret.   Anyone.

The trust will be difficult to regain if he or she is not willing to actively work on it with you.  But if it’s your choice to hang in there, then look for ways that you can try to trust again.  If you can’t find them, then perhaps everything will need to be reevaluated.