20 Ways You Know the Honeymoon is Over

In the thirteen years she’s been married, Alison Herzig from the blog, The Shitastrophy, has learned a few things about romance, marriage and how you can tell if the honeymoon is over. 

The Hubs and I have been together since 1999 and married since 2001. Over time our marriage has gone through many of the natural phases of wedded bliss.

Newlywed–The Honeymoon is On

1. I tried to look nice more times than I didn’t.
2. If I had to poop I would scurry away into another section of the house because he probably didn’t think I ever pooped.
3. I cleaned our house weekly.

13 years later–the Honeymoon is Over

Reality has set in for The Hubs. No longer is he on a romantic deserted island with his betrothed (that’s me BTW). Secrets are not had between the two of us because I can’t remember what I did this morning versus some well-laid plan of deceit. Besides, what’s the point? The man has seen two children pass through my body – one time with the help of forceps where he declared to me afterwards, “Wow You should have SEEN your eyes!” Yes, he is really lucky I didn’t kill him and I probably would have had the new baby not been in my way. So I got to thinking what are some of the signs that the honeymoon is over, just in case he missed the memo:

1. I don’t wear makeup the entire summer, unless we are going out somewhere fancy – the grocery store doesn’t count.
2. I happily check in with him to see if he needs the facilities prior to my fumigating the throne.
3. I don’t try to hide having my period. I make sure he is well aware that I am miserable – because he should be too.
4. I have purchased my undies at Sam’s Club, where they came 3 to a pack.
5. I have gained 30 lbs. since we married.
6. I wear a t-shirt and flannel bottoms with bunnies on them to bed.
7. I don’t feel bad buying anything for myself – this does not mean I shop like Rockefeller, but I get what I want when I need it.
8. I look forward to his trips  – no cooking, cleaning, why yes I will have that 2nd beer at 10 pm…it is a judgment-free zone.
9. I only shave below my knee from June-August or if we go on a trip somewhere warm. Other than that I am embracing nature.
10. He knows my size. He has no illusions that I am a size 6 or an XS.
11. He knows that if he is looking for any of his clothes he should first check one of the three laundry baskets, the chair, or the chest in our room before opening up his drawer.
12. We have had stalemates over who will clean up the dog puke on the carpet (I won).
13. He knows about my rogue hairs and continues to look the other way when I am late for my waxing appointment.
14. I have asked him to look at some gross anatomical thing and tell me if I was dying.
15. When he is sick, sleeping arrangements turn into every man for himself, cause Momma ain’t got time to be sick.
16. He knows not to talk to me after I go buy a bathing suit or jeans, and never ask how much they cost.
17. We don’t sit next to each other on plane trips, normally because a child is next to us instead. But the point is we don’t NEED to sit next to each other.
18. He can freely say my dinner sucks, if it really does, and know I won’t get upset.
19. He has woken me up to clean dog shit off the carpet (this is when the dogs are mine).
20. I have had to ask him to plunge a toilet before and it wasn’t the kids.

It really is a whole lot easier this way for both of us.