Happy Thanksgiving! By now, like Sleeping Beauty, my family is waking from a deep slumber, wiping the crust from their eyes as they stumble into the kitchen in search of coffee. I bet it’s about 10:00 a.m. and they’re starting to wonder, “Where’s Mom?” Well, surprise, I have three words, “At the movies.” I have decided to take the day off.
I’m exhausted by the thought of another Thanksgiving Day, spent in the scullery, sweating it out like Bikram Yoga. Enough with hot ovens, boiling pots and disgusting turkey giblets already. I’m Getting My Movie On, sitting in a comfy chair, hogging a whole box of popcorn and a large Diet Coke. Ha ha!
Now don’t get me wrong, I love each and every member of my family, including the various friends and relatives staying the night. But I decided to take it upon myself to make this day more than a work-from-home day. I deserve time off, same as the rest of you, a chance to relax near the warm fireplace, watch television, maybe read People Magazine.
Have you considered divvying up the work this year? I’ll accept all offers to share in the responsibilities. Feel free to do the grocery shopping. Or maybe you could prepare the sausage stuffing, mash the sweet potatoes, or baste the turkey. Do something for God’s sake. And do not mention dietary restrictions. If you need low calorie, vegetarian, gluten free or vegan meals, skip this holiday.
I’m sick of washing stacks of dishes as you fall into a turkey coma, saliva dripping from your slacken mouths. Was that last slice of cranberry crumble pie too much? Next time take a breather between bites.
Text me when you come up with a plan to relieve me from another weary holiday spent in the kitchen as the rest of you whoop it up in the living room, cheering for your favorite NFL team or laughing at the commercials. For twenty-two years, I’ve watched from a distance and never known the final score of the football game.
I’ll be waiting to hear from you in the theatre. But you better hurry. The next movie caught my eye; Vince Vaughn is hilarious!
Love,
One Tired Mama
Stacey Gustafson
Stacey Gustafson is an author, humor columnist, and blogger who has experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her blog, Are You Kidding Me? is based on her suburban family and everyday life. Her short stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul and seven books in the Not Your Mother’s Book series. Her work appears in Midlife Boulevard, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, ZestNow, More.com, Pleasanton Patch, Lost in Suburbia, Better After 50 and on her daughter’s bulletin board. She lives in California with her husband and two teenagers that provide an endless supply of inspiration. She writes about parenting and daily frustrations like her dislike of the laundry, self-checkout lanes, public restrooms, Brussels sprouts, roundabouts, and being middle-aged. Her book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives, hit #1 Amazon Best Seller in Humor - Parenting & Families and #1 Amazon Best Seller in Motherhood. Released September 2014, it is available on Amazon and eBooks. Visit Stacey at StaceyGustafson.com or follow her on Twitter @RUKiddingStacey.
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