Skip to Content

Hopefully Your Golden Years Will Not Be Spent Here

A senior living facility called “Symphony Square ” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony, and it’s not particularly square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with an enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”

Hopefully Your Golden Years Will Not Be Spent Here: senior living


Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed some nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen
Altacocker Acres
Polyp Place
Ferklempt Estates
Coronary Chateau

Memory Loss Manor
Vertigo Village
Disorientation Terrace
Get Me Outta Here Gardens
Altzheimers Acres

End O’ Life Residence
Almost Heaven Homes
Deathview Villas
Reaching The End Estates
Abandoned Here Manor

Demented Gardens
Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care
Olde People Warehouse
Over the Hill Terrace
What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care

Bedpan Alley
Catheter Flats
Please Cut My Toenails Place
Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates
Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas

Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!

Previously published on Humor Outcasts.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for the New York Times, the Funny Times, the Christian Science Monitor, the Jewish Forward and the Huffington Post. And she‘s been featured on the Today Show. (Twice!) Her 13th humor book, ”Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor," is available on Amazon.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookGoogle Plus

Sid Raisch

Tuesday 21st of April 2015

More likely, the lame name Symphony Square was concocted by someone who thinks they know more than a consultant.

Comments are closed.
Read previous post:
travel, italy, boat, couple
10 Steps Every Midlife Woman Should Take Before Traveling Abroad

Over 40 or 50 and Traveling Overseas? So you’ve planned your big trip abroad. You’ve purchased your plane tickets and...