Forget Flying. Here are the Superpowers I’d REALLY Love to Have

Never mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets or having the strength to throw bad guys across the room.  Here are a few of the superpowers I’d REALLY love to have:

Being able to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

Always choosing the fastest moving line at the supermarket.

Being able to remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting the taste.

Opening directly to the sexy pages of any bestseller.

Summoning the right devastating retort whenever somebody says something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly! Not two hours later.

Always finding a parking space right in front of my destination.

Magically making a cop instantly materialize and give a speeding ticket to any jerk who rockets past me at 90mph on the freeway.

Knowing just the right words to get a sullen teen to open up and have an honest conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

Always getting the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby.  Or else —

Being able to magically calm and quiet a howling baby.

Recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”

Being able to transfer any huge ugly bug or small fast-moving rodent I discover in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.

Giving instant laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to throw them across the room.

But that might be asking for too much.

Previously published on Women’s Voices for Change

Roz Warren’s latest book is Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor