Somewhere at the Total Sports Complex there is a personal trainer named Nick. I know this because he and I are supposed to meet tomorrow to begin my 10-week quest toward a new fit and fabulous Kim.
The sad thing is that he is just running along living his life in his workout gear with no idea of the challenge that lies ahead for him.
Tomorrow morning he will wake up and have some kind of muscle-building shake and feel all energized and enthusiastic. He will spend his day training like-minded people who actually enjoy exercise. Together they will squat and lunge and he will feel he is making a real difference in their lives. When five o’clock rolls around he will begin to doubt his career choice.
To say I am not a fan of exercise would be an understatement. I don’t know if it’s the sweating or monotony but it just isn’t as much fun as shopping.
Why people run just to end up back at home sweaty and exhausted has always puzzled me. Don’t get me wrong I will run toward a clearance rack or away from a mouse but beyond that I am kind of a stationary person. Watching other people’s drama television or reading a magazine is much more my type of entertainment.
The only exercise I get is lifting a large McDonald’s diet coke from the cup holder to my mouth a couple of hundred times a day. I must admit sometimes that even feels exhausting. I think I got tennis elbow from it in 2012.
Fitness requires a Lycra wardrobe and time management skills, neither of which I possess. I am not a morning person so working out before work is not a realistic goal for me. After work I don’t want to go home and change just to get back out. I could pack to go to the gym but now we are back to my lack of time management skills.
Up until I hit my mid forties I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Those days are over. It’s like all of a sudden my body said, “Okay lady, that’s enough Doritos! Get off your a** and move.” I have found that my after-40 body is more of an adversary than a friend.
So, I am going to spend the next 10 weeks seeing how the other half lives. You know those people that think Target Heart Rate is something other than how excited you get when the Target ad comes out.
I am going to see if this runners high is for real and if it feels better than a sale at Macy’s. Is it true people who exercise have more energy? If so where did they get the energy to start exercising in the first place?
Should I buy a water bottle, energy bars and a selection of neon-colored sports bras? What jewelry should I wear? I will state for the record that I refuse to participate in any activity that doesn’t involve at least earrings and a bracelet.
My forty something body has betrayed me but I shall go forth, accessorized for exercise and conquer the battle of the bulge even if it kills me……or Nick!
Read more from Kim Eller on her blog, Kim’s Crazy Life
Kim Eller
Kim is a wacky stressed out single mother of two, coping with midlife one glass of wine and several hot flashes at a time. Featured columnist and blogger for The Oakland Press she brings the tales of motherhood and midlife mayhem alive with her real life laugh out loud musings. Her comedic talents were showcased at the 2014 Erma Bombeck Conference and she is well known for saying what everyone else is thinking but afraid to say outloud!! Instagram: kimscrazylife
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Tammy
Monday 8th of September 2014
I feel ya Kim...exactly how I feel about exercise. I'm impressed that you are doing it so early because while I may not be the shopper that you are, my feeling is that nothing comes between me and my sleep. Wake up at 5 to exercise, what? My husband gets up at 5 and between 5 and 6:30 is my "good sleep" time. Why should I ruin that with moving?