My Dad’s Hashtag-Worthy Words of Wisdom

Way before the days of “dad bod” and “Sh*t My Dad Says,” Kathryn Mayer’s dad was setting trends with his own classic words of wisdom and dad-isms. Read more from Kathryn on her blog.

One day, the men we love will be hiking their belts up to their nipples and spouting off hashtag-worthy comments that, if lucky, their own kids and grandkids will be sharing widely … and often … and probably with a YouTube channel or Snapchat story, so the footprint remains longer than the one I grasp tightly in memory.

My father’s own cringe-worthy commentary echoed throughout with his loud, bellowing public statements of his truth, therefore my truth, and the rules my sisters, and eventually his grandchildren, lived by. Made little sense then, and less now, but it is these sayings that I hold on to now that he’s gone.

To honor him on this Father’s Day, I present here a partial list of Mike Mayer-isms, and I encourage you to stick a finger in the cake at your next party.

Colder than a witch’s tit in July.

“Get your foot off the clutch!”

Jesus H. Christ

You’re a wart on the ass of progress.

TURN. OFF. THE. LIGHTS.

Humpin’ Jesus.

Pay cash.

Drive that car like it was made to be driven.

Colder than a three-legged woman.

Get wood. Do not come in here empty handed, GET WOOD.

“Get any on ya?” (after a long, award-winning burp)

Did I get a haircut? “I got ‘em all cut!“

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

Gotta go see a man about a horse.

“No, no, it’s okay. Let the asshole speak.”

There’s the reason national IQ average is 90.

Do not come in here empty-handed. Get wood.

The smartest person in the room is the quietest.

You gonna eat that?

Dumber than a box of rocks.

Those apples fell far from the goddamn tree.

Prick.

“I am so god-damn-proud of you girls.”

Measure twice, cut once. Where’s the goddamn measuring tape?

“Do not lean against that car unless naked as the day you were born.”

Mobil One in the car. Only Mobil One.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Got change for a five?

Wipe the off the goddamn headlights.

Buy expensive windshield wiper blades.

“Are all the parents assholes or just those two?”

Pick up hitchhikers.

Vote for your town’s budget.

“Goddamn it Siri, I just want to make an f’ing phone call.”

There’s no loans, only gifts.

Always overtip. Always.

Be nicer than you need to be to people who don’t expect it.

“COME HOME NOW!”

Do not talk to your mother that way.

“Just once I want to go to your grandmother’s without you smelling like horse-shit!”

And those words of wisdom are my inheritance, which I often hear myself repeating ad nauseam, that I didn’t appreciate when echoing across a public place, but today share widely with anyone who will listen.