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Born to Be…Menopausal?

    I’m up all night hot flashing and using the bathroom. Because I’m up so much, insomnia steps in. Stupid stuff swirls around in my sleepless brain like leaves in a wind storm. Did I turn the stove off after dinner? Are the garbage can lids secure enough to keep the raccoons out of the trash tonight? Did I remember to pay my out-of-control water bill? Oh, why did I eat that last meatball? I didn’t need it or want it, but it was just sitting there by its lonesome self on the plate and it was calling my name…

humor, menopause, menopause symptoms, insomnia, hot flashes, chocolate cravings, midlife, midlife women, perimenopause

At 5:30 a.m., I decide to get up, slowly shuffling through the house like a disgruntled zombie. After drinking mass quantites of caffeine, the sun is not so offensive anymore, so I hit the walking trail for a few laps. When I get back home, my legs ache and my skin is sore under the bra line. Why? Because I’m chafed. Chafed! I’m too young to get chafed, even if it’s humid and 95 degrees out.

The thought of chafing leads me down an unhappy trail of self-consciousness. I’m cresting on another wicked mood swing and have no clue how long it will last. My daughter whispers to her younger brother, “Don’t bug Mom today, she’s in her dark place.” Time for me to retire to my bat cave and ponder the meaning of life. Alone. My inner wiring has fritzed out, and my behavior has become erratic. Yesterday I cried over a Humana commercial. Today I’m obsessed with Hershey’s Kisses. Last week I went nuts because there were no clean towels left for me to take a shower. I think they sprouted wings and flew the coop because they couldn’t handle my mood swings, either.

After brooding in my cave for an hour, it’s time to join the land of the living. Music is drifting down the hall – Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” Born to chafe and sneak Hershey’s Kisses? Oh god, I hope not. I want to start over in a world where menopause does not exist, or at least has an entirely different meaning, such as “pause for a vacation”, “pause for a Mai Tai”, or “pause for cake pops.” Anything but this, a perspiring woman in an “I’m Nuts For Squirrels!” t-shirt, fanning herself with a pink dust pan.

The kids scatter like frightened mice when I emerge from the bedroom. My husband eyes me warily from the couch and quickly flips the channel to something more soothing than MMA cage wrestling…like polar bears circling a seal. No, no, no! Change the channel quickly! Wait a minute. What are those weird people doing on TV? They’re dressed up like dairy cows in a bar and…are you serious? On cable TV before midnight? I don’t think I’ll ever drink milk again. Now I know I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. What is this world coming to? Right now the world under my comforter looks a whole lot better, mood swings and all. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. I’m a conglomeration of Snow White’s dwarfs: Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, and a few of their cousins, Bitchy, Bloaty, Sweaty and Weepy…because baby I was born this way.

Read more from Marcia Kester Doyle on her blog, Menopausal Mother

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane, and the voice behind the midlife blog, Menopausal Mother. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, The Huffington Post, Bonbon Break, Purple Clover, and Scary Mommy, among others. Marcia lives in sunny south Florida with her husband, four children, one feisty granddaughter and three chunky pugs.

Kat

Thursday 17th of April 2014

I love reading your posts . . . It makes me glad that I'm not alone in all this menopausal crap. xoxo

Marcia @Menopausal Mother

Thursday 17th of April 2014

You are definitely not alone---I'm with you every step of the way!

Rena McDaniel

Thursday 17th of April 2014

Oh my! I started going through menopause, I'm 44 years old and now I'm laughing and terrified at the same time!

Marcia @Menopausal Mother

Thursday 17th of April 2014

Hang in there, Rena! You might be one of the lucky ones who gets through it quickly!

Diane

Thursday 17th of April 2014

Bwahahaha! Me, too. It's a club. Meatballs call your name, too? You should hear about the seven dwarfs in our house: Sleazy, Gropey . . .

Marcia @Menopausal Mother

Thursday 17th of April 2014

Gropey sounds like he might be my husband…..

Mis Anthropy

Wednesday 16th of April 2014

You may be chafing, but your writing is getting better and better. Nice post!

Marcia @Menopausal Mother

Thursday 17th of April 2014

Awwww…..thank you! I really appreciate your support----you always say the nicest things, too! XO

Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

Wednesday 16th of April 2014

Sorry about your troubles, but glad to know I'm not alone. Did you Ever in your life think you would have these kinds of problems? I didn't, and at each new discomfort I can't help but wonder if and when it will ever end.

Marcia @Menopausal Mother

Wednesday 16th of April 2014

As a young adult, I saw the "older"women going through it and NEVER believed I would suffer the same way---especially with the weight gain issues! Ugh!

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