S$#t to Do Before You Start a Diet

We love Alyson Herzig’s raunchy language and snarky humor, but just in case you don’t appreciate the saltier side of things, here’s your warning. Offensive language is used in this post. But it’s really funny, so you should read it anyway because preparing for a diet can be the most important part of the diet. 

So you decided to start a diet.

Congratulations! The week before the diet starts is really one of the most important times of the entire actual diet. There is all sorts of prep work that goes in to being successful with your ambitious goal to go from being well known amongst the wait staff at multiple restaurants to cooking 400-calorie meals that are edible. It is not for the faint of heart, and truly needs some advance level skills – that will most likely require many failed attempts before you win the game.

I am here to help you out with your pre diet workout. This is the shit success is made of. Good luck and God speed.

1. Learn the Lingo

   – It is not a diet, it is a ‘lifestyle change’. This is complete bullshit because we all f*&#ing know it is a diet, but if you feel better about calling it a lifestyle change go ahead. Hell, maybe the Smurfs will show up and help you out too.

2. Pick a starting day

   – I like to go with a Tuesday. The weekend is clearly not a good option what with kids and husbands and friends inviting you places, and Monday just sucks so why start something that is gonna totally suck on an already shitty day. Voila…Tuesday.

3. Mentally prepare yourself

   – Tell yourself over and over how you are starting on TUESDAY. If you are in doubt go put on your swimsuit and ask your kid(s) how you look – they love to be brutally honest.

4. Recognize what is off limits

   – and then go eat a shit load of that BEFORE you start your diet, I mean lifestyle change. In the last five days I have gorged myself on pizza, Mexican, bbq, fast food, and ice cream – but not just any ice cream, I got the waffle bowl and the triple scoop because duh.

5. Alcohol

   – Most likely booze is not a part of your diet, at least not for the first week. So in the week prior be sure to drink a shitload of alcohol so that you really don’t miss it at all.

6. Learn to Love Water

   – You really are gonna end up drinking an ocean’s worth of water. Make sure that shit is COLD and ready to be grabbed when you are at your weakest. Throw some lemons, cucumbers, limes, whatever in there to fancy that shit up because it’s all you got.

7. Morning Weigh In

   – Weigh yourself mid-morning after you’ spent the last 5 days eating as if you were pregnant with triplets. Mid-morning is key because you have already eaten or drank enough water to fill a small swimming pool. This way you feel like you lost some weight right out of the gate when you weigh yourself the next day, and the next day, and the next day. Cause you know you are gonna get on that damn scale every morning to justify eating rice cakes and carrots.

8. Prep

   – Go to the grocery store and get all that good shit you walk by normally, I believe they are called vegetables. Then bypass the entire middle of the store and finish up crying in the dairy section, because you can’t have any of that shit either. Oh and buy gum cause that’s the only thing keeping you from eating your arm when you are clock watching for that next meal.

9. Tell People

   – The gurus always say to let people know so that they support you in your goals. The reality is you let people know because when you are a raging lunatic because you haven’t had a cookie/piece of bread/Carmel Frappuccino® with extra whip in days they stay the hell away from you. And God bless the soul that tries getting between you and the one hershey kiss you can have a day.

Best of luck to you. If you see me out and about stay the hell away from me cause I started my lifestyle change (that sounds like I am going through menopause) this week and shit is about to get real.