The other night I stopped Henry in the midst of our mating ritual. “What are you doing?” I asked. “I’m kissing you,” he replied. “But why are you kissing me so softly?” I demanded. “I’m being gentle,” he explained. “I want you to be gentle in life, but not in bed,” I instructed. Henry groaned exasperatedly.
This is an ongoing issue for me. I’m always telling Henry I want fiery passion even though he can hear everything I do in the bathroom (because that’s so alluring). I can be exhausting. Be glad you’re not married to me. I thought Henry might just take a rain check.
Instead he handled my request and swept me into some surprisingly athletic lovemaking.
Where’s he been hiding that? I thought.
While most of me was in the heat of the moment, a sliver of me, probably my left cerebellum, kind of floated above us and admired his vigor and endurance. Not bad for a man north of 50. Actually, not bad for a man at any age.
But what the heck was happening with me?
In one position my wrists began to hurt the way they do when I hold a downward dog too long in yoga. My left hip popped out of joint, then back in. My breathing escalated and my lungs began to protest.
Lungs to me: What do you think you’re doing? You sit at a desk eight hours a day and walk around the park twice a week. We’re not in shape for this kind of stuff? You can’t expect us to to keep up!
Me to lungs: Just hang in there, okay. Henry’s in his 50s for Godsakes, how much longer can he last?!
Lungs to me: Who knows! You insulted his manliness and goaded him into a virtuoso performance, you asshat! Sweet Jesus, I think I sprained my bronchi.
Vagina to lungs: Lungs, I’m almost there, don’t fail me now!
Lungs to vagina: Oh, sure, it’s always about you, isn’t it?! All about you and your damned orgasms! What do we get out of this besides a potential embolism?
CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT MY CLITORIS HAD TO SAY ABOUT ALL OF THIS ..
Shannon Bradley-Colleary
Shannon Bradley-Colleary blogs at The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful. She's also a contributing blogger on The Huffington Post. Her posts have landed her on The Today Show, NPR, CNN, Raising America with Kyra Phillips, Fox11News and more. She's been published in The DailyMail Online, Babble, Blogher and MomsLA. Her book, Into The Child: 40 Weeks in the Gestational Wilderness was named one of the Top 100 Indie Books of 2012 by the Kirkus Review. Her book, Smash, Crash and Burn: Tales From The Edge Of Celebrity, details her life as an L.A. Wacktress (waiter/actress) in the early 90s; including her relationship with Brandon Bruce Lee and a her tête-à-tête with David Schwimmer. She kisses and tells. Shannon is thrilled to be a monthly columnist on Midlife Boulevard.
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