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5 Apps on Every Midlife Woman’s Wish List

No matter what my expressed desire — music, coffee, coupon — I repeatedly  hear the same response.  . . “There’s an app for that.” The line is always delivered with a sense of awe, as if apps are something magical, created by the gods to make our lives easier.

I’ve never totally understood what an app is, so I just smile at the deliverer of the line and say, “Well, I’ll have to check it out.” But I don’t. I continue to do horribly pedestrian things like pay for my coffee with a credit card instead of my phone. It’s disgraceful.

Because I don’t want to seem out-of-date, I’m learning about apps. I’m downloading them. And, now that I’ve gotten a little cocky, I’m requesting new apps.


My App Wish List

I thought I’d put  my app wish list out there so great minds could go to work and deliver these by the holidays.

App#1: Ideal Weight

I appreciate fitness apps, but I don’t want something that counts my actual steps or tells me what I should eat. I want the lies. I want something to make me feel better without having to discipline myself to make it happen. I’d like a weight scale app that reports the same weight no matter what I eat or how little I exercise. I want to stand before the mirror each morning and have my app declare, “Hey, gorgeous, you weigh 115 pounds.”

App #2: Spousal Argument Credits

I’d like to bank argument credits during debates with my husband. For example, each argument will have a point value. A 5 point argument might involve which way the toilet paper should roll. A 15 point argument might involve diminished sex-drive during menopause. Let’s say I won the toilet paper conversation; instead of gloating, I bank 5 points. When my husband goes after the menopause and sex conversation, I can apply that 5 points to lower the intensity of the argument. A 10 point argument ensures that I can put on my glasses and start reading in bed 5 points earlier.

App #3: Hot Flash Fan

If we have apps that can get us coffee, can’t we have a hot flash fan? I’m only asking for a quick breeze to keep my face from turning blood red in a meeting. It’s hard to get a new client when sweat marks start showing on your suit jacket and your face looks like Carrie after all the blood. Since my skin is getting so dry, I would request a light breeze to keep as many skin cells in place as possible.

App#4: Get Off the Road You Jack-Ass

For those drivers who get in the left lane to go ten miles under the speed limit, I’d like to suggest a get off the road app. I’m now sure exactly how it would work. Perhaps the app would send a message to their phone with a voice yelling, “Get off the road, you Jackass!” Or perhaps it would gently move their car to the right lane. I don’t know, I just want it so that I can avoid the future expense of a cardiologist.

App #5: Genie

Yes, this is like wishing for a million more wishes. I want an App Genie to ensure that everything I request is fulfilled. I do have one Genie requirement — I don’t want to have to rub anything just to get him to show up. That’s just a little too phallic for me. Refer back to the argument with my husband in App #3.

What about you? What app would you like to have?

Read more from Donna Highfill on her blog, DameNation

Donna Highfill

Donna S. Highfill wants to inspire the world one laugh at a time. She is a humorist, a blogger, a book author, a personal change coach, and a consultant. She is a regular contributor at HuffPost50, and has written a book with stories about change – Real People, Real Change. She writes two blogs – one to help you Power Up, and one to help our Dame Nation (women 50+) laugh together. All her work is intended to inspire and energize. Laughter is her favorite thing, but making others laugh is her greatest passion.

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Dr. Margaret Rutherford

Thursday 19th of February 2015

An app that would remember what you were just saying would also be helpful. It would have to be kind, listening app. Funny post Donna!


Sunday 4th of January 2015

Those are hilarious! Thanks for posting!

Anne Parris

Thursday 13th of November 2014

I'd like my pre-baby butt back. please.

Marcia @ Blogitudes

Thursday 13th of November 2014

Excellent ideas! There does seem to be a app for just about everything - and now there really will be since you thought of these. Can't decide which one I'd get first - probably No. 2 - but I'll definitely be getting all of them. Please sign me up and let me know when they're released. :D Great post!

Mona (Moxie-Dude)

Friday 7th of November 2014

lol - Love these! Especially #2 :-)

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