No matter what my expressed desire — music, coffee, coupon — I repeatedly hear the same response. . . “There’s an app for that.” The line is always delivered with a sense of awe, as if apps are something magical, created by the gods to make our lives easier.
I’ve never totally understood what an app is, so I just smile at the deliverer of the line and say, “Well, I’ll have to check it out.” But I don’t. I continue to do horribly pedestrian things like pay for my coffee with a credit card instead of my phone. It’s disgraceful.
Because I don’t want to seem out-of-date, I’m learning about apps. I’m downloading them. And, now that I’ve gotten a little cocky, I’m requesting new apps.
My App Wish List
I thought I’d put my app wish list out there so great minds could go to work and deliver these by the holidays.
App#1: Ideal Weight
I appreciate fitness apps, but I don’t want something that counts my actual steps or tells me what I should eat. I want the lies. I want something to make me feel better without having to discipline myself to make it happen. I’d like a weight scale app that reports the same weight no matter what I eat or how little I exercise. I want to stand before the mirror each morning and have my app declare, “Hey, gorgeous, you weigh 115 pounds.”
App #2: Spousal Argument Credits
I’d like to bank argument credits during debates with my husband. For example, each argument will have a point value. A 5 point argument might involve which way the toilet paper should roll. A 15 point argument might involve diminished sex-drive during menopause. Let’s say I won the toilet paper conversation; instead of gloating, I bank 5 points. When my husband goes after the menopause and sex conversation, I can apply that 5 points to lower the intensity of the argument. A 10 point argument ensures that I can put on my glasses and start reading in bed 5 points earlier.
App #3: Hot Flash Fan
If we have apps that can get us coffee, can’t we have a hot flash fan? I’m only asking for a quick breeze to keep my face from turning blood red in a meeting. It’s hard to get a new client when sweat marks start showing on your suit jacket and your face looks like Carrie after all the blood. Since my skin is getting so dry, I would request a light breeze to keep as many skin cells in place as possible.
App#4: Get Off the Road You Jack-Ass
For those drivers who get in the left lane to go ten miles under the speed limit, I’d like to suggest a get off the road app. I’m now sure exactly how it would work. Perhaps the app would send a message to their phone with a voice yelling, “Get off the road, you Jackass!” Or perhaps it would gently move their car to the right lane. I don’t know, I just want it so that I can avoid the future expense of a cardiologist.
App #5: Genie
Yes, this is like wishing for a million more wishes. I want an App Genie to ensure that everything I request is fulfilled. I do have one Genie requirement — I don’t want to have to rub anything just to get him to show up. That’s just a little too phallic for me. Refer back to the argument with my husband in App #3.
What about you? What app would you like to have?
Read more from Donna Highfill on her blog, DameNation