If I’m having a sleepover at a friend’s house or staying at a relative’s place, I expect a few basic necessities. It’s got to be worth the $59 savings at Motel 8 or I’ll just crash there and risk bed bugs.

Here are my 8 Things You Must Do If You Want Me to Sleepover At Your Place:

1. You must own a real mattress for guests. Not a futon, beanbag chair, lawn chair or sleeping bag.
2. Your computer needs to be circa 2010. Internet connection must be in working order. You need to guarantee me that you know the password. I expect the printer to have more than one sheet of WHITE paper.
3. You do not own a cat. Not that I have anything against a cat. I just do not want cat hair on my toothbrush, chapstick or hairbrush.
4. Your shower must be in proper working order with hot and cold water. The knobs must function as they were intended to work. Left for hot and right for cold. No jimmying the handles necessary to get a STEADY flow of water.
5. You and your family must not wake up before 6 a.m.
6. You promise not to ask me more that 57 times “Are you OK?” or “Need anything else?”
7.  You must have decent coffee in the morning. Don’t offer me crap that’s been stuck in the corner of your pantry for six years. Your coffee maker needs to have a pot larger than two-cups. I want hot coffee and I want lots of it.
8. You must have a decent pillow, none of that cheap synthetic-filled pillow trash. I want something thicker than a saltine cracker. I will not use a pillow pet, decorative sofa pillow, a donut ring, sofa cushion or boyfriend pillow.

Read more from Stacey Gustafson on her blog, Are You Kidding Me?