Getting old is a gradual process. There are subtle hints all around you, but you don’t realize it till you scoop them all up together and tie them with a wilted bow. I’m not talking the mark of time on the calendar, the hair going grey, or the boobs heading south. No I am talking about those subconscious little things that individually are a quirk, but together they are signs of getting old.
But here’s the thing…I have been marching towards old for a while, some days I swear I am shuffling as fast as my little walker with tennis balls will allow me (kidding). It started gradual, but now that I have sat down and wrote my list I have realized…gulp…it is coming for me.
1. Toilet – Last year our resident (he really doesn’t live with us, but might as well since he is at my house so much) handy man had to install a new toilet in the master bath. I really didn’t give it much thought when he asked what I wanted. I told him to make sure it was white and was an elongated bowl (if you don’t have one of these you really need one). For some unknown reason he installed a toilet that sits a couple of inches higher than regular toilets – maybe it is a handicap one. Initially I was all like WTF is this! But now…my throne is fantastic, especially on days when my thighs are screaming from working out (that doesn’t happen often because I try not to work out often).
2. Hard Candy – I come from a long line of hard candy connoisseurs. Just look below, it is a pic of my 72 year old parents bowl of hard candy. I find myself wandering the pharmacy aisles searching for one of my road trip favorites Nips…Werther’s younger sibling. Nips are the gateway hard candy to all future hard candy purchases. I love them, there I said it and I am not ashamed of it.
3. Cream Soda – The other night I looked over and realized The Hubs had opened one of my coveted cream sodas and not just anyone, but the last one. I was pissed, and I then realized that I have graduated from Coke/Sprite/Mountain Dew/ etc and other main stream soda’s to the one that makes a geriatric person smile – Cream Soda. If you ever open my fridge and find Shasta Soda just shoot me, right on the spot.
4. Tissues – In a moment of complete insanity I stuffed a tissue up my shirt sleeve! I didn’t even realize it till I went to go change into my uber sexy plaid flannel pajama bottoms and long sleeve “I wear it to bed because it has holes in it but I love it” shirt for evening lounging. Out fell the used tissue onto my carpet, and along with it any dignity I had.
5. Injuries – I thought I could outrace my son up the driveway. This is not as far of a possibility as you would think. I ran track (urmph…back in the day), I have been known to use exercise equipment from time to time, my son is 10 and not a very fast kid (seriously). This was all but a guaranteed win. I took three strides and boom! I pulled my groin muscle – game over and ego crushed.
6. The Bed – 2013 was the year of a new mattress for The Hubs and I. We went with something akin to the Craftmatic adjustable bed. It is a Tempurpedic with two distinct mattress’ and box springs that are then enclosed in a fabric head/foot thing that makes it appear to be a king. Don’t let it fool you, its basically two twins together. We have a single top sheet bringing the two together but its very old personish. And you know what…it is fantastic. That Donna Reed was onto something and I am not ashamed.
I may be marching towards blue hair early bird dinning but I am doing it well rested with a Nips in my mouth, a tissue in my sleeve, and a Cream Soda in my hand.
Read more from Alyson Herzig on her blog, The Shitastrophy