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6 Signs I am Getting Old

Getting old is a gradual process. There are subtle hints all around you, but you don’t realize it till you scoop them all up together and tie them with a wilted bow.  I’m not talking the mark of time on the calendar, the hair going grey, or the boobs heading south. No I am talking about those subconscious little things that individually are a quirk, but together they are signs of getting old.

But here’s the thing…I have been marching towards old for a while, some days I swear I am shuffling as fast as my little walker with tennis balls will allow me (kidding). It started gradual, but now that I have sat down and wrote my list I have realized…gulp…it is coming for me.

1. Toilet – Last year our resident (he really doesn’t live with us, but might as well since he is at my house so much) handy man had to install a new toilet in the master bath. I really didn’t give it much thought when he asked what I wanted. I told him to make sure it was white and was an elongated bowl (if you don’t have one of these you really need one). For some unknown reason he installed a toilet that sits a couple of inches higher than regular toilets – maybe it is a handicap one. Initially I was all like WTF is this! But now…my throne is fantastic, especially on days when my thighs are screaming from working out (that doesn’t happen often because I try not to work out often).

2. Hard Candy – I come from a long line of hard candy connoisseurs. Just look below, it is a pic of my 72 year old parents bowl of hard candy. I find myself wandering the pharmacy aisles searching for one of my road trip favorites Nips…Werther’s younger sibling. Nips are the gateway hard candy to all future hard candy purchases. I love them, there I said it and I am not ashamed of it.

aging, getting old, signs you're getting old, the aging process, humor

3. Cream Soda – The other night I looked over and realized The Hubs had opened one of my coveted cream sodas and not just anyone, but the last one. I was pissed, and I then realized that I have graduated from Coke/Sprite/Mountain Dew/ etc and other main stream soda’s to the one that makes a geriatric person smile – Cream Soda. If you ever open my fridge and find Shasta Soda just shoot me, right on the spot.

4. Tissues – In a moment of complete insanity I stuffed a tissue up my shirt sleeve! I didn’t even realize it till I went to go change into my uber sexy plaid flannel pajama bottoms and long sleeve “I wear it to bed because it has holes in it but I love it” shirt for evening lounging. Out fell the used tissue onto my carpet, and along with it any dignity I had.

5. Injuries – I thought I could outrace my son up the driveway. This is not as far of a possibility as you would think. I ran track (urmph…back in the day), I have been known to use exercise equipment from time to time, my son is 10 and not a very fast kid (seriously). This was all but a guaranteed win. I took three strides and boom! I pulled my groin muscle – game over and ego crushed.

6. The Bed – 2013 was the year of a new mattress for The Hubs and I. We went with something akin to the Craftmatic adjustable bed.  It is a Tempurpedic with two distinct mattress’ and box springs that are then enclosed in a fabric head/foot thing that makes it appear to be a king. Don’t let it fool you, its basically two twins together. We have a single top sheet bringing the two together but its very old personish. And you know what…it is fantastic. That Donna Reed was onto something and I am not ashamed.

I may be marching towards blue hair early bird dinning but I am doing it well rested with a Nips in my mouth, a tissue in my sleeve, and a Cream Soda in my hand.

Read more from Alyson Herzig on her blog, The Shitastrophy

Alyson Herzig

Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. She is the mother of two kids that provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in her next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. Alyson loves her two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month. Instagram: TheShitastrophy

Alyson Herzig

Originally from NJ, Alyson now lives in the Midwest but has kept her sarcastic cynical Jersey attitude. She has to make a conscious effort to not curse in most conversations. She is the mother of two kids that provide constant fodder for her blog, The Shitastrophy. Her husband lives in fear that every thing he does or says will be highlighted in her next post, Face Book update, or Tweet. Alyson loves her two huge Bernese Mountain Dogs, even if they do eat their weight in food each month. Instagram: TheShitastrophy

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Walker Thornton

Saturday 19th of April 2014

My grandmother did the tissue up the sleeve thing and I find myself doing it quite often! As for Nips--coffee!

The Shitastrophy

Saturday 19th of April 2014

Mmmm that sounds wonderful - the Nips, not the tissue. They really are a fantastic low-calorie snack;)

Julie

Friday 18th of April 2014

Wuvica!!!!

Jennifer Wagner

Friday 18th of April 2014

I don't know if those are aging related or just quirks because I'm older than you and I don't do any of them. Although if the hard candies are because of dry mouth, I have to have gum with me all the time. And number 6, the bed, I'm dying to do that. My husband has restless leg syndrome so I really need it. When our mattress wears out, I'm going for it.

The Shitastrophy

Saturday 19th of April 2014

You won't be sorry - best night of sleep I have had in a very long time was when we went to the two in one bed...

Monica Epstein

Friday 18th of April 2014

Similar realizations came to me recently. I called them "old lady habits" in my blog post. But, thankfully, they did not include the dreaded tissue up the sleeve. You might be a step or two ahead of me :-)

The Shitastrophy

Saturday 19th of April 2014

Oh please pull me back to where you are then!!

Joan Stommen

Friday 18th of April 2014

You are so funny Alyson.....this is hilarious! I am guilty of the kleenex up the sleeve for sure. Learned it from my mom.....thought it was dignified etiquette. LOL The accessible toilets seem standard now.....because they ARE super comfy and knee friendly. Thanks for a fun post and smile maker!

The Shitastrophy

Saturday 19th of April 2014

Oh so happy you liked it!! Yes the kleenex my mom, and gram, and everyone did. I remember thinking - no way will never do that once I realized ewww used tissue. Yup, totally do it now, without even thinking.

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