4 Undeniable Truths About Midlife

You can run but you can’t hide from the inevitability of midlife. Jill Robbins hits the nail on the head with this post. Read more from Jill on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals.

When I was twenty, I didn’t spend much time thinking about what it would be like to be…dare I say it? Old. My forties and fifties seemed a long way off…mostly because they were a long way off. If I’d have stopped to think about what midlife would look like, I’d probably envision polyester stretch pants, pantyhose with reinforced toes and that thing you wear around your neck that lets you push a button to alert 911 if you “fall and can’t get up.”  And sensible shoes. Lots of sensible shoes.

I’m happy to report most of my trousers still zip (well, they have zippers, anyway). I haven’t needed the emergency buzzer, the clapper or the grabber, although I do appreciate the value of a good pair of support hose. Even though my actual midlife experience isn’t what twenty year old me probably would have envisioned I still have some fun, semi-depressing facts about midlife I’d like to share with young women everywhere. Yes girls…I’m totally trying to scare the shit out of you. Why? It’s fun.

1. Comfort: your underwear’s most important feature.

I’m not saying there’s no place in your life and lingerie drawer for cute and sexy, but comfort is the front runner. Support is a close second. I might still let my freak flag fly on occasion but I’m past the point where I’ll worry if hubs sees my granny panties. It is what it is.

2. Dark hair sprouts randomly on your face and body.

I don’t care if your God-given hair color is platinum blonde. Stray hairs are black. Always. It’s a rule or something. Most often sighted on chins, these little suckers can sneak up in other regions. I have one that appears out of freaking nowhere on my neck. One day it’s not there, the next it’s gently blowing in the breeze. A male coworker once mistook it for string. Joke was on him, it was attached. And yes, he was total eye candy. The laws of the universe say that if a male must point out something unflattering, embarrassing or gross about your appearance, he must be as attractive as possible to amp up your desire to wish the floor would just swallow you up.

I could go on and delve in to the “boob hair” territory, but I think I’ll just leave it there and smile, imagining many twenty-something text messages that say “OMG, Brandee are we gonna grow nipple hair when we get old?  OMG!”

PSA: rearview mirrors in natural light are optimum for spotting rogue hairs. Obviously, hair reconnaissance missions should happen when the car is not moving. Safety first, bitches. And, plucking while stopped at a light is trashy. Just don’t.

3. Ever-present fear of sneeze-pee fusion.

If you’ve given birth, you might remember this one fondly. If you’ve never experienced pregnancy, you’re in for a treat, sisters. Let me spell it out – you will pee your pants when you sneeze…sometimes.  You never know when your bladder is gonna fail you.

You’ll remember all the times you snickered at old ladies trying to discreetly toss Poise pads in their shopping cart. You’ll wonder if the sneeze-pee fusion is karmic ass-biting payback. The answer is yes.

4. Your high school anthem is a classic.

There is something depressing about hearing the music you took your bra off to on Q104 Classic Rock. Or worse yet, piped in on the Musak while you’re grocery shopping (don’t forget those Poise Pads, k?)  I’m bracing myself for the day some snot-nosed fourteen year old deejay refers to anything sung by Pat Benatar as an oldie. It’ll happen. And, part of me will die a little bit.

While I might need comfier underwear and more alone time with my tweezers, life at midlife is no pity party. I (usually) have enough energy to run after my kids, run a 5K and on a good day, run circles around my younger friends. Sometimes guys still check me out. They might be trying to decide if I need help crossing the street, but hey, let me have my fantasies, damn it.  Most of my girlfriends in their forties and fifties list sexier sex and more wisdom as perks of being this age (I blame this on confidence and no longer giving a crap what people think).

It will happen to you, too. Katy Perry or maybe even Justin Beiber will be on the classic rock station. You will pick up that multi-pack of cotton undies and say “hmmm, these look nice and comfy.” Wait and see. For now, better stock up on those Poise pads…and be careful when you sneeze. You just never know…