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4 Undeniable Truths About Midlife

You can run but you can’t hide from the inevitability of midlife. Jill Robbins hits the nail on the head with this post. Read more from Jill on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals.

When I was twenty, I didn’t spend much time thinking about what it would be like to be…dare I say it? Old. My forties and fifties seemed a long way off…mostly because they were a long way off. If I’d have stopped to think about what midlife would look like, I’d probably envision polyester stretch pants, pantyhose with reinforced toes and that thing you wear around your neck that lets you push a button to alert 911 if you “fall and can’t get up.”  And sensible shoes. Lots of sensible shoes.

4 Undeniable Truths About Midlife

I’m happy to report most of my trousers still zip (well, they have zippers, anyway). I haven’t needed the emergency buzzer, the clapper or the grabber, although I do appreciate the value of a good pair of support hose. Even though my actual midlife experience isn’t what twenty year old me probably would have envisioned I still have some fun, semi-depressing facts about midlife I’d like to share with young women everywhere. Yes girls…I’m totally trying to scare the shit out of you. Why? It’s fun.

  1. Comfort: your underwear’s most important feature.

I’m not saying there’s no place in your life and lingerie drawer for cute and sexy, but comfort is the front runner. Support is a close second. I might still let my freak flag fly on occasion but I’m past the point where I’ll worry if hubs sees my granny panties. It is what it is.

  1. Dark hair sprouts randomly on your face and body.

I don’t care if your God-given hair color is platinum blonde. Stray hairs are black. Always. It’s a rule or something. Most often sighted on chins, these little suckers can sneak up in other regions. I have one that appears out of freaking nowhere on my neck. One day it’s not there, the next it’s gently blowing in the breeze. A male coworker once mistook it for string. Joke was on him, it was attached. And yes, he was total eye candy. The laws of the universe say that if a male must point out something unflattering, embarrassing or gross about your appearance, he must be as attractive as possible to amp up your desire to wish the floor would just swallow you up.

I could go on and delve in to the “boob hair” territory, but I think I’ll just leave it there and smile, imagining many twenty-something text messages that say “OMG, Brandee are we gonna grow nipple hair when we get old?  OMG!”

PSA: rearview mirrors in natural light are optimum for spotting rogue hairs. Obviously, hair reconnaissance missions should happen when the car is not moving. Safety first, bitches. And, plucking while stopped at a light is trashy. Just don’t.

  1. Ever-present fear of sneeze-pee fusion.

If you’ve given birth, you might remember this one fondly. If you’ve never experienced pregnancy, you’re in for a treat, sisters. Let me spell it out – you will pee your pants when you sneeze…sometimes.  You never know when your bladder is gonna fail you.

You’ll remember all the times you snickered at old ladies trying to discreetly toss Poise pads in their shopping cart. You’ll wonder if the sneeze-pee fusion is karmic ass-biting payback. The answer is yes.

  1. Your high school anthem is a classic.

There is something depressing about hearing the music you took your bra off to on Q104 Classic Rock. Or worse yet, piped in on the Musak while you’re grocery shopping (don’t forget those Poise Pads, k?)  I’m bracing myself for the day some snot-nosed fourteen year old deejay refers to anything sung by Pat Benatar as an oldie. It’ll happen. And, part of me will die a little bit.

While I might need comfier underwear and more alone time with my tweezers, life at midlife is no pity party. I (usually) have enough energy to run after my kids, run a 5K and on a good day, run circles around my younger friends. Sometimes guys still check me out. They might be trying to decide if I need help crossing the street, but hey, let me have my fantasies, damn it.  Most of my girlfriends in their forties and fifties list sexier sex and more wisdom as perks of being this age (I blame this on confidence and no longer giving a crap what people think).

It will happen to you, too. Katy Perry or maybe even Justin Beiber will be on the classic rock station. You will pick up that multi-pack of cotton undies and say “hmmm, these look nice and comfy.” Wait and see. For now, better stock up on those Poise pads…and be careful when you sneeze. You just never know…

Jill Robbins

Jill Robbins writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She has a degree in social psychology that she uses to try and make sense out of the behavior of her husband and three children but it hasn't really helped so far. She enjoys dry humor and has a love/hate relationship with running. Her work has been featured on Babble, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Blunt Moms. You can also find her in the December print issue of Mamalode. She willingly answers any questions that end with “and would you like wine with that?” You can follow Jill on Facebook and Twitter.

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Chris Carter

Friday 20th of February 2015

These are SO TRUE!! Dare I add the sagging under chin hang or the grey hair that comes in patches for some reason? Maybe I need my 'Nice n easy' more often, and perhaps I need to do some neck stretches but the pencil act under the boob is a sure hit! Magic anyone?


Saturday 21st of February 2015

I REFUSE to look at the back of my hair in the mirror. Well....not too close anyway. I have this patch of gray that just...appears. Of course, it's not so fun when someone else points it out, either.

Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri

Friday 20th of February 2015

These are so funny. #3 especially. Thanks for the Friday night laugh.


Saturday 21st of February 2015

It's true, though! Sneeze pee fusion is no joke!!!


Friday 20th of February 2015

Yep! The older pelvic floor muscles just seem to get weaker and weaker. Kegels, girls.


Friday 20th of February 2015

lol all true! Especially the pee your panties part. After two kids..this is a sad but true fact! Fun post!

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