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26 Things to Never Say to a Librarian

Last week a patron at the suburban library where I work spent five minutes telling a colleague  all about why (and exactly how) she should use a water pic. This inspired me to log onto my favorite Facebook Librarian Hangout to ask: “What’s the oddest thing a library patron has ever said to you?”

26 Things to Never Say to a Librarian

Within a day, I had dozens of responses.  Here’s a sampling:

  1. A woman tried to get me to help name her baby.
  2. I’ve been asked how to make LSD.
  3. Two recent topics? Coffee enemas and homemade cat food!
  4. A man asked me if my biological clock was ticking. I was 21 at the time.
  5. I had a lady ask where she could find a chastity belt. Another asked me where she could buy some weed. I sent them both to the reference desk.
  6. Patron starts taking off her shoe. “Do you think this is infected?”
  7. While I was checking out his books,  one gent told me all about how humans could slowly build up to deriving all of their necessary nutrients by going outside and staring at the sun, and suggested that I try it.
  8. A patron once told me that I couldn’t be Mexican because I’m not dark enough. WTF?
  9. “You know what would make you a knockout? Lose weight!”
  10. “You don’t look like a librarian. You should be wearing a shirtwaist dress. With horizontal stripes.”
  11. Direct quote from one patron: “My man shaved DOWN THERE… and I didn’t like it one bit. I like a natural man.” What?? (I work in an elementary school library.)
  12. A patron once accused me of running a sex slave ring from the express computers.
  13. A woman once asked if I had any hand-me-down clothes I could give her daughter, since we were both “big girls.”
  14. One man, in a misguided attempt to flirt and/or make me uncomfortable, asked me where we keep the porn. With a straight face, I told him we keep it on the third floor. (It‘s a two story building.)
  15. I was recently asked how to make an apple into a bong.
  16. A patron once told me there was a cat in the ceiling. And she was right!
  17. An elderly man once decided that it was his job to lecture me about every problem that birth control can cause.
  18. can’t polish my nails at work anymore because one of our patrons has a fetish and begins giving me sex advice.
  19. A patron once told me in a stage whisper about her alien abduction, complete with biological details I’d really rather not have heard.
  20. One patron demanded that my boss fire me for putting a hex on her incarcerated son.
  21. A patron who was grateful for the help I’d given her with a reference question advised me to keep my kitchen knives in the laundry hamper. “So if someone breaks into your house, they can’t use them to stab you.”
  22. Recent unsolicited advice from a patron? “If your yard isn’t clean, the mourning doves won’t come.”
  23. A patron told a co-worker about how he’d prayed for a wife and just asked that God send him one that had not been “used.“
  24. “I just had surgery! Want to see my scar?”
  25. Because we librarians are courteous by nature, we can be counted on to respond to your oddball statements, remarks and requests with dignity and grace. My co-worker, for example, patiently endured that little water pic lecture rather shutting it down with, “What makes you think that my teeth are any of your business?”
  26. Still, the next time you’re tempted to share your innermost thoughts about sex, God or teeth with your local librarian, do us all a favor.  Think twice.

Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES, A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. This essay first appeared on

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for the New York Times, the Funny Times, the Christian Science Monitor, the Jewish Forward and the Huffington Post. And she‘s been featured on the Today Show. (Twice!) Her 13th humor book, ”Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor," is available on Amazon.

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Laurie Stone

Tuesday 13th of October 2015

Funny! Apparently librarians are seen by many as the font of all (and I mean all) knowledge. And I thought this job was quiet.


Thursday 8th of October 2015

Too funny. But I have to ask: was it infected? Ewwwww....

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