After recently meeting a sleazy guy in a bar who I’m sure was trying to ‘get in my pants’, I thought it might be useful to come up with some tips on how to make a good impression when seducing a woman.
Let’s start with the understanding that we can learn a lot about a person’s sexual skills by how they interact in other situations. In no particular order here are my observations and best advice for seducing a woman, especially a mature woman:
1. When you start a conversation with me, don’t turn it into a one-man bragging fest. Ask me some questions; engage in a conversation with me. Don’t talk at me. Do not shush me or talk over me continually. It feels like a put-down, with a hint of gender bias.
2. Show me you understand consent—ask if you can sit next to me; ask if you can get me something. If you’re going to put your arm around me, check to make sure I’m OK with your touch. If you see me flinch, or feel me tighten up, you should stop touching me–even if I’m too polite or shy to say anything!
3. If you can’t tell how I’m receiving your advances your lack of intuition tells me that you’re not going to be very good at reading my level of desire or responsiveness in an intimate situation.
4. If you want to kiss me don’t make it a surprise attack. Use some delicacy—approach with care and, again, make sure I’m enjoying it. You could even ask permission to kiss me.
Done in the right way, checking for my consent is pretty sexy. It means that you understand the back and forth of sex. And, that you understand sex is better when two people can communicate wants and needs.
5. Bad kissers—you know the ones who come at you with a wide-open mouth and try to shove their tongues down your throat? That lack of finesse applies to other intimate acts. Trust me, I know.
6. Seduce me. Tell me why you want to be intimate with me. Let me know that you have a desire to please me in the way I ask to be pleasured.
7. Politics and seduction do not mix. Unless you see me wearing a specific candidate’s button and you also support that person, don’t start sharing your views. Start with something neutral.
8. Save the angry rants, the criticisms of your ex-wife, your hatred of your job. Anger and intimacy don’t go together.
9. If you’re married and want a secret fling on the side, move on. Deception and dishonesty don’t make for a good relationship. Even if you disclose that—move on.
10. If I ask you about sexually transmitted infections and you refuse to discuss it, I’m not having sex with you. If you refuse to wear a condom, I take that as a sign of disregard for my well-being.
Intimacy is a big deal—even if it’s non-romantic sex with a friend. It requires trust and comfort with the person you’re about to engage with. We all want a good experience so we need to be aware of who we’re about to get naked with. We can be proactive in choosing partners.
I’ve made mistakes in the past and looking back, I knew it was going to be a mistake but ignored my intuition. The sleazy guy in the bar didn’t get very far because I have learned my lesson.
What about you? Do you think about how public behavior might translate in the bedroom?
Read more from Walker Thornton about communicating your needs in the bedroom, what might be wrong about faking your orgasm, and why women might need to change their “sex-pectations” over 40. You can also read more on her blog, WalkerThornton.com